Confessions of the SOCIALLY AWKWARD PENGUIN

Hey there beautiful people! For those of you who personally know me, you would know I am indeed a very AWKWARD person. I mean, this is my expression almost 70% of the time...

Ohhh Kaaaaay.

Hence, I figure out it is time I have a post dedicated to all my socially awkward penguin pals! Read on and lets see if you relate to these struggles.

Are you one of those people, when you are about to talk to someone new, you totally freak out, hyperventilate and have to practice through a speech in your head before actually talking to them? Or do you actually secretly dislike crazy parties with loads of people because you get really anxious and uncomfortable? If you can relate to those, you and me are now automatically friends!

Us, the socially awkward penguins are often misunderstood. People tend to mistake us as for being unfriendly or weird, mainly because we are going through pangs of anxiety when meeting someone new, and appear cold, or on another extreme,  are trying so hard to be sociable that we become a "try-hard" weirdo. The people around you often can't really figure you out, because you seem to be pretty outspoken and extroverted, but then again, sometimes you morph into your awkward self. So what the hell is going on with you?!

Not to worry my dear awkward pals, because you are not alone in this! Here is a list of things that all you socially awkward penguins out there can relate to :

1. We do NOT like surprises.

Sure, we love small subtle surprises like receiving our favorite Starbucks in the midst of a hectic exam week.. But when it comes to a big, over-the-top surprise party with every acquaintance we know, it scares the sh*t out of us, and we never know how to react.  We do not know who to talk to, what to do with our hands, and we end up being too busy worrying about how to act instead of actually enjoying the thoughtful gesture.

2.  We prefer one to one interactions as compared to group interactions.

 The thing about hanging out with a big group of friends is we sometimes don't really know who to talk to, or how to blend in.  Don't get me wrong, we do hang out with our group of friends, and enjoy the great company, but we find one-to-one interactions way more enjoyable and engaging, and it makes us feel much more at ease. We definitely prefer getting to know someone on a whole new level, understanding why they like the stars more than the moon, why they are secretly afraid of success, how they act when they get moody etcetera etcetera, instead of sitting at a table full of people and being unsure of what to say, or even who to listen to or talk to. 

3.  We can't do spontaneous plans.

Your group of friends call you while you are watching Grey's Anatomy in your PJs,  and ask you to go on a spontaneous road trip across the state to try out this new burger place.. Sounds like fun! But wait.. What do I do now?! Oh no, I don't know what to wear! I don't want to be overdressed or underdressed! Oh I don't know who else is going! Are they going with that girl from class whom I always smile at but never know what to say? How am I going to talk to her?! Wayyyyy too much pressure for us. We need at least a few hours to prepare ourselves mentally, or even give ourself a pep talk before the outing. 

4. First impressions of us will mostly be negative ones.

Let's just face it. We are not very good at meeting new people. Trust me, it is definitely not because we are not interested, sometimes it can even be because we are way too interested, that is why we are so anxious we tend to act weird. We may seem cold or overly friendly, but in fact it is just because we are actually going through a lot of anxiety in our head and overanalyzing our every move and word. Thankfully, a lot of our friends endured through our awkwardness and they get to know the real us after some time. 

5. Sometimes we tend to bail on outings at the last minute.

It might most probably be because we think that the anxiety of being uncertain throughout the whole interaction is not worth it. It is not because we don't love our friends, we just don't really love the feeling of being uncertain of what the outing might bring, or the pressure of trying to think of what to say and how to act for that many hours. It may also be because we are feeling a little tired and would rather spend some time alone in our own hermit, comfortable in our own company without any awkwardness to worry about. Social interactions require effort for us. But we will try to make it the next time, hopefully. 

6. We are professionals at avoiding awkward situations.

People think it is ridiculous to take the long walk back from campus. But in fact we just want to avoid the lady selling fruits because once you fell down in front of her stall and you are too embarrassed to let her ever see you again. People don't understand why you freak out and pretend to be preoccupied with your phone sometimes. But in fact you just want to avoid eye contact with the acquaintance you met only once during a camp and don't know if you should say hi. People don't get why you would rather hold your pee than to go to the toilet. But in fact you hate imagining walking all the way across the room with people staring at you in the middle of a lecture. People don't understand why you avoid certain restaurants even if you love the food there. But in fact you know all your ex's friends always eat there and you are not certain if you should even say hi if you bumped into them after breaking their bro's heart. It gets really tough, so avoiding is actually worth the trouble. 

The struggles are pretty real in the life of a socially awkward kid. We can be extroverted and love social interactions, but we also go through a lot of social anxiety in our head when we are put into certain situations. We try, really hard, to fit in, but sometimes we tend to be really AWKWARD! But once we are able to feel comfortable around the ones close to us, they get to see our real self and know us for who we truly are.

However, despite our secret struggles, that is just the way we are build, and that is what make us special. Let us try to embrace our awkwardness, and be grateful for all our close friends who stuck around long enough for us to get comfortable around them, and be thankful for their understanding on the way we function. 



Till next time, loves! Thanks for reading! 

How I learned to stop being afraid of being the person who loves more

Hey guys! I am back with another post that is really raw and personal!

To be honest, I wrote this post meaning to submit it for publishing, but it got rejected. Oh well, its never easy getting works published so I might as well just put it up on my own personal blog to share it with all of you who are willing to read!

 How I learned to stop being afraid of being the person who loves more

I have always, ALWAYS been one to be described as "intense". Often, people around me tend to think I am slightly crazy, for who the heck does things to such extreme measures, especially when it comes to emotions such as love? Well, ME.

When it comes to relationships specifically, I am always known to be the one with the ">" sign. I am overly clingy, overly touchy, overly cheesy. I express my emotions through long paragraphs of words telling you why I am so crazily infatuated by your existence. I will go out of my way just to spend a few extra minutes with you.  I will buy you gifts which if I will not even spend on myself. I will write you poems, I will double call you, double text you. Often my close friends who see me going through this craziness, often reminds me that I have to learn to "chill" and "play harder to get". My best friend once told me, "you gotta hold back and stop showing so much love, or people will always take you for granted".

I used to be so afraid that what he said was true. I was afraid that when I always love more, I will be on the losing end. I used to be afraid that if I love more, the other person is going to stop appreciating me. I used to be afraid that when I love so much more, people feel suffocated by my intensity.

But then as I slowly grow, I have come to a point in life when I decided to embrace this ">" sign that lies in me. I decided to stop suppressing my intensity, to stop being afraid, but rather, be proud of this trait of mine.

These are the reasons why you too, should stop being afraid of being the person who always love more.

1.  You  are sure of what you want.

You know what you want, you believe in your choices and you embrace your feelings. You are true to yourself. You do not hold back when you love someone or something. This gives you the certainty that the person you are in love with, is who you really, truly love, and you are not only loving them with the expectations of reciprocity. Even if things do not go the way you wished them too, even if they don't feel the same, you know you were true to your own feelings, expressing your true emotions to the person you are overwhelmed with.

2. You are more appreciative.
When you are used to being the one who loves more, you learn to not take things for granted. You know how tough it is for someone to express their love, to show you that they care, because you are used to being on the other end. So when a person does any sweet little gestures to show their love, you will definitely be more appreciative. You learn to see the slightest act of kindness, and appreciate them.

3. You are more in touch with your own feelings and emotions.
When you love more, you feel emotions more deeply. You get overwhelmed just by looking your significant other do random things like crinkling their nose when they laugh. You feel so infatuated by just seeing their name pop up on your phone screen. You tear up when they tell you they miss you. You feel so much more deeply. Yes, in times of unreciprocated love, you feel pain so much more strongly than others. But this also helps you to cope with the intensity of your negative feelings, and shape you to be stronger. You do not suppress or hide your feelings, but you bravely get in touch with them. 

4. It makes you a better person.
You love much more than anyone else. It makes you more genuine and selfless when it comes to the people you love. You are willing to fight for what you believe in, or the people you love. You will fight through all obstacles for the people you love. You do not run away easily when things get hard, you do not give up so easily. You may think it is unfair for you to love so much more, but on the other hand, you know that this makes you a much better person who is not afraid of expressing your love. 

Often, we think that being the person who loves much more means we are "losing". We have been trained to believe that when we love more, we lose our values. We are afraid when we love more, people will run away because they get freaked out. But then again, when we are able to love more, it also means that we have so much more capacity in our hearts to love someone that much. And when we meet the right people, they will appreciate and embrace our intensity, oh and how lovely will it be, if they too, are competing to be the one who loves more.

Room Tour.

I have been meaning to do a room tour ever since last semester when I moved to a new room (which was in fact just a room beside my old one before I went to internship). But yeah, procrastination is a pain in the neck.

My room is the most important thing I have in Kampar. It is my very own space where I spend most of my time in, all day, everyday. I decided to decorate it to the way it is when I came back here last semester. At that time, I was missing internship badly, and I was going through a tough time, so I spent a lot, A LOT of time hiding in my room. So I thought, I should make it pretty, neat and clean. So no matter what, this space is going to give me the solitude and comfort I need. I am glad to say that it did, and even until now, I love it loads. I love it so much that I am kinda obsessed with cleaning it, because it gives me so much satisfaction to see it gleaming and sparkly. I love it so much I get pissy at anyone or anything that makes things in it out of order. Even when the weather right now is so hot, it makes it almost impossible to stay home in the afternoons, I still look forward to coming back to it in the evening. Oh and every morning when I wake up to it, it still makes me feel so at home and comfortable.

I think my room is the number 1 thing I will miss about Kampar. I certainly wish I can pack it up in a box and bring it around wherever I choose to go. It is spacious, and I have spent a lot of effort to add in little details to make it MINE.

Well, enough talk. I shall show you a few favorite parts of my room.

 

Naturally, the most time I spend, other than on my bed sleeping, is at my desk. I do my work here, I write, I study, I watch movies, I eat my meals etc, all at this lil nook I call my workspace. I love how it is tuck in the corner of the room, making me feel like it is an office separated from the rest of my room. 

 A little close up of my desk with my laptop, the space where productive work is done. (as well as the not so productive browsing the internet and watching sitcoms)

On the left side of my desk, is what I like to call my "get shit done" wall. I have put up a mahjong paper which I change each time it is filled up, called the "Non-judgemental thought board". This is where I jot down any random quotes I think of, or any random ideas I have about basically anything and everything. I love this concept and I shared it with Ming Han who also implemented it. Right beside, is my super duper productive section with my monthly and weekly planners, as well as the calendar, and also post-it notes to remind me to complete certain tasks that day or week. 

 

This is the close up of the wall right in front of me as I get my work done. I like to call it my "be inspired" section. I printed out some motivational quotes, (the twin tower reminds me of my internship period) together with my timetable for easy reference, as well as long term goals and priorities. I also have notes to myself from myself as reminders and self-motivation, as well as notes from loved ones to remind me of how loved I am. It keeps me on track with my work, it keeps me motivated and it reminds me of why I need to be working so hard. 

This are the little ornaments I collected since I came to Kampar. My favorite one is the Hulk, because it looks so grumpy and yet cute at the same time. I always say it reminds me to not be so grumpy or hot-tempered (does not really work though). Funny story on how I got it. It is a toy where you need to collect points to get from Tesco. The sucky part is you are not allowed to choose which one you get, it is given by chance, even after you collect the points and all that. The only one I actually really wanted was the Hulk. So when I first got it, it was in a box with a black plastic wrapper. I was feeling around it, and I felt the abs, and I started yelling because I knew, me and the Hulk, were meant to be. Okay, okay. Enough bimbotic stories.

 

A little close up on some other things I love on my desk. The candle is finished, but I love how when I used to light it up and it would instantly put me in a better mood. The money plant is the only plant left from 3 mini plants given to me by a friend of my mum. (Sorry, I am really bad at taking care of plants!) The stone is a very special and meaningful stone given to me by someone very special. It has a long sand cute story behind it, but I am not going to go into details. I just love it very much. 

 

My bed area. With the dreamcatcher that has been with me since a few years back. My mum bought it for me all the way from Bangkok after searching it high and low. She knew I loved them and when she gave to me, she told me "this is for you to catch your dreams". So much love. When I first unpacked and moved into my new room, the first thing I put up to signify it was MINE, was this. Oh and I like to call this section of my room the "dreamy" section because of the dreamcatcher as well as pastel colored deco on my headboard. Oh and or course, it is where I sleep. 

The main reason I put up posters in this section was because there were a lot of ugly double sided tape marks on this wall when I moved in. But I end up loving it and it is my "vintage" section. The reason for the posters : Guitars because I love them (and my parents always buy me awesome vintage posters), Audrey Hepburn just because she is so classy and pretty and stylish, Elvis because he is freaking bae and I have loved him since I was young. I can rock and dance to all of his songs. (You can do anything, but don't step on my blue suede shoes!).

Lastly, this is my "get ready" section where I blow dry and style my hair, put on my face products, put on my makeup, get dressed etc. Oh and that is Edward the guitar who has been passed down to me by my mum. He keeps me entertained when I need a break from work.

Ahhhhh.... This post is really making me so sentimental. I am really, REALLY going to miss this room. But I am telling myself, wherever I go, I can bring this spirit with me, to make whatever space I have, no matter how temporary, my very own.

I think it is really important to make a space you own your personal hideout. It makes you feel belonged and of course, puts you in a better mood. I dare say, a space can just be a space, but if you put in effort and details to it, it becomes a home of your own.

As usual, thank you for reading and lots of love,

The beauty of dark days.

Hey you beautiful people out there!

I have been away from this little space for quite awhile again. But this time, it is for a good cause. Well, for  my own good anyway. Because guess what, I have been busy, very busy, enjoying every moment of my life right now.

It's crazy, how sometimes when you are stuck in a series of unfortunate events (the love for Lemony Snickets subtlety included here, High 5 if you know the books), you tend to feel like you will never ever be able to come out of that place. Or perhaps, you keep wondering when does all of that go away and you can feel even "normal" again.

But the most beautiful thing of bad days? No matter how much time it takes, how many conversations with your best friends, how many emo poems, how many depressed songs, how many sessions of staring into space......................................................................................................................................................



IT WILL PASS.


And that feeling when everything is better, well I guess it is worth all the negative feelings you have to endure to get there. 

It feels like after a very bad nose block, and countless days of breathing through your mouth, you suddenly realize your nose is clear again.

It feels like after a power cut off, sitting in the crazy heat, sweating like a pig and being bitten by mosquitoes all over, and the lights and fan come back to life again.

It feels like after continuous sleep deprived nights of rushing an assignment, and the moment you pass it to your lecturer and you know a good sleep is waiting for you.

It feels like going underwater for a whole 3 minutes holding your breath, with a throbbing chest threatening to explode, and you finally come up for air.

And with that, you start to feel alright again.

Sure, there are no completely sunny days. The sun has to set each day anyway. But that's the beauty of it all. Because after the dark, haunting night passes, what comes next is another beautiful sunrise.And it is a new day full of new chances to do it all over again. This is one of the reasons God gave us a limited 24 hours a day I guess? So we can start over, time after time.

And life is always going to be like that. With it highest highs, lowest lows, and everything else in between.




But think about it, how blessed are we, to be able to embark on our own stormy, rocky adventures, and proudly look back at how far we have each come.


If you are in the midst of dark days, I know telling you time will make everything better is not going to help, but I am telling you,  it is okay to feel helpless, it is okay to crawl into bed under your covers and wishing you can just sleep your days away.. But loves, hang in there just a lil bit more, you are in the progress of building a warrior inside of you.

If you are in the midst of your good days, stop fearing how things are too perfect, stop worrying what happens when you lose it all.. But rather, enjoy every moment of it, take it all in, and most importantly, acknowledge that this is all you, your own battles fought and won, and you deserve every second of it.

Love always from the bottom of my heart,

Tips on how to get your college/university days on track.

I am going to admit it. I have always been a fan of chick flicks. The problem with chick flicks are, (other than the fact that they are way too girly and frivolous for our own good) they often paint a picture of a very happening college life. Parties, crazy drinking nights, road trips, hooking up with the hottest senior etc etc.

But when I entered university, I realized that that was not the case. Sure, there are the cool kids out there who live by YOLO and go all out when it comes to hardcore partying. But if you plan to take this transition as a training ground to get your sh*t together and prepare yourself for the real world, there are a few things you need to get kick started on. 

1. Plan your schedule, and stick to it.

  

Stop telling yourself "I've got it" and end up slacking and watching yet another episode of 2 Broke Girls when you have an assignment due the next day. Physically writing down your To-Do list can make a lot of difference in your life. You can plan out your entire week on Sunday nights, or plan daily work tasks first thing in the morning, whichever works for you. As long as you actually do it. Write out your goals of the week/day and the things you need to get done. Prioritize your tasks based on deadlines and importance. Writing it down makes you stay focused, and the sense of accomplishment when you cross them all out at the end of the day, totally rewarding. 
 
 

2. Keep your "room game" strong. 

If you are studying away from home, you will have to move to a new place. Be it a tiny dorm room, or a large rented apartment, make it your own personal space. Organize your things to fit your needs, decorate it in any way you like, personalize it with your posters and artwork. Do it your way, and let your style shine through.  Keep it tidy and comfy. Be it a place to chill or cramming for your crazy deadlines, your room is going to be your own hideaway. Having a cozy room to come home to after a stressful day of classes can be really therapeutic.

3. Keep track of your finances. 

Yes, being more grown up also mean boring responsibilities like your finances. Take note on where your spending are going, and analyze them at the end of the month. Perhaps it gives you an idea that you should stop impulse online shopping on clothes that don't really fit, and spend it on healthy meals. Try saving up for something that can be used for long term purposes, like a good textbook, a gym membership or even an Ipad mini (Promise yourself it is for reading journals and not for scrolling through social networks).  

4. TRY to have a healthier lifestyle.

Trust me, we have all been there, when all you want to do at the end of the day is stuff your face with a large bag of chips, slumped in bed watching sitcoms. One of the thing we often neglect during college, is our own health. Sleeping late at night to rush through assignments, waking up at noon on weekends, eating at weird times, and not to forget processed food straight out from the can. Try, at least try, to incorporate a healthy lifestyle. Wake up before 10am, cook REAL food and not instant noodles, get your daily dose of workout, and replace sodas with H2O. Your body will thank you. Besides, having a fit and toned body is definitely a bonus. 

 

My own version of Bibimbap! 

Ham sandwich is always an easy choice

5. Don't slack on your appearance. 

I know, I know. This sounds pretentious and unimportant. People always say, your inner beauty is more important than your external one. Screw that. Why not have both instead? Your physical appearance gives a pretty (literally) important impression. Sure, there are days when you just want to get comfortable in sweat pants and hoodies, but take some days to dress up in something that makes you look and feel good. Seriously girls, don't be afraid to put on some eyeliner and red lipstick to take on the world. 

6. Learn new skills. 

Whether it is learning how to cook, preparing your own meals, or learning a foreign language you have always been interested in, DO IT! Do not wait till you start working and being a slave to all sorts of bills, take this time to learn new things you always wanted to. No matter how "useless" it may seem to others, keep in mind that having an extra skill or knowledge is always good. Do not be afraid to try new things, you have nothing to lose after all. 

Did simple floral arrangement for mass

7. Focus on yourself. 

It's about time you invested your time and energy on yourself. Learn to be independent, take control of your own life. Don't live your life based on the manual of society's norm or even according to anybody else. Enjoy your own company and be your own best friend. Learn what you like and what you dislike, what you are good at, and take time to understand yourself better. This is the time you learn more about yourself, and work towards your own set of passions and goals. Trust your own gut, and create your own empire.

8. Filter out your real friends. 

Sure, this is the time where you get to meet loads of new people, and you will have a great opportunity mingling with interesting individuals. However, learn to set boundaries and distant yourself from "friends" that constantly bring you down, or constantly gives off negative vibes. Keep in mind those friends that have stuck by you throughout. Those that are your safety nets, supporting you through thick and thin. Know who they are and keep them close. These are the friends that you will need to keep in your life.

9. Balance is key. 

It is important to learn to be a grown up, while taking measures to get your life together. However, do not forget that despite everything, you are still young. The world is your oyster (as cliche as it sounds). Do not be afraid to live. Take risks, make mistakes, go the extra mile, love with all your heart (even if it means it will get broken a few times), and have the time of your life.  

Love, 

   

2015 - Growth.

Well it is once again the start of a new year! Yes, yes, I understand how cliche it is to go all "sentimental about the previous year and hopeful about the new year", but I am still going to dive into a summary of my 2015. Because I am mainstream like that :p

I may be a lil late for this post, but I just came back from a year end Langkawi trip with two of my schoolmates who are really close to me. But then again, being 5 days late on a year end post is not as bad as neglecting my blog again for about a whole semester. But right now I am going to try to make it up by explaining why I chose to hide away in my own personal world.

The recent semester was one of the toughest semester I had ever experienced so far. I was so busy and stressed out academically, with having to complete the first 3 chapters of my Final Year Project (FYP) in a short semester, and everything else around me was crumbling down on me. SO much had happened in this semester, making my 2015 one of the toughest year I had to go through as well.

I guess 2015 is the year that I experienced the highest highs and at the same time the lowest lows. It is the most intense year with so much happening around me. I think it kinda fits the whole "becoming adult" year since I turned 21 this year too. So the best word to summarize 2015 is GROWTH. This year has made me grow up so much, some in a very pleasant way, like during my internship in KL, and some in a much more painful/forced way, especially losing many people whom I used to trust with all my heart.

Growing up is a funny thing.. The only way you really, REALLY grow up is when you are forced to, because of circumstances. This year has really forced me to grow up.. living in a foreign place with sucky housemates and not many friends for 3 months, being forced to adapt to working life, heartbreaks, loss etc etc. It has been a really intense year. But I am indeed grateful for this year for allowing me to grow so much.. I have learned to be independent, to toughen up and do things for myself and no one else. To take care and protect myself, and learn to be my own hero.

Trust me, it is much more easier said than done. When I say that it has been a rough semester, I really mean it. There are days when I just have a meltdown for the most silly reasons because I have had a really rough week. I remember there was once I started sobbing uncontrollably in my car when I lost my way while finding my way to TM Point to settle my internet problem. There are days when I am supposed to be studying for my midterm but I end up mindlessly scrolling social media or crawling to bed every 5 minutes to take a 20 minutes nap because I was feeling so numb.

However, I really tried my very best to toughen up. I decorated my bedroom to my best ability to make myself feel belonged to at least my own room. I cleaned my room and make sure it is always in top notch condition to feel in control. I woke up early and made coffee and planned out my day to help me stay focus. I started a pretty consistent workout plan to get into better shape to feel good about myself. I cooked meals for myself. I really worked hard for myself. And I am indeed grateful. Despite so many things happening around me, I learned so much. I learned that it is okay if many people leave, because at the end of the day, you still have yourself. You have to be there for yourself. You are your own constant person.

I am also super grateful for the friends that stayed by me. When I was down in the dump, they were willing to hear me out, had to deal with me being a sappy emotionally needy person, drove all the way down to see me, and did not walk away when I was not in the best version of myself. Thank you guys. I learned that friends who love you and care for you, will really stick by you no matter what.

Oh and not to mention, this year has taught me to be much more grateful. When I was feeling crappy, I will stop and try to think of all the things I am grateful for, and this really helped me through tough times. Whether it was a good day or a bad day, before I sleep, I will try to find the things I am grateful for that day and thanked God for it.

2015 is really a year of growth for me. Being 21 has taught me so much. I learn that when it comes to work and studies, passion and dreams, as long as you do it with all your heart, with great effort, it will definitely pay off. I learned that nothing beats a great sense of accomplishment so I am willing to work hard to achieve that. I also learn that you have to be your own "person", your own best friend. Because despite it sounding a little morbid and unlike me, but one of my realist friend once told me, "You can never trust anyone 100%. It is too risky. Trust them, but only to the maximum of 99%." I have to agree with that, and learned that I have to trust myself 100%, and to stick up for myself, because no one else will.





It has been a freaking good year of growing up for me. Despite everything, I am so thankful for everything that has happened to me in this year as it has really made me grow.

It is now time to take a deep breath, and brace myself for 2016. I hope to bring together the lessons I learned in 2015, and strengthen them, and be ready to kick ass in this new year, no matter what challenges it brings. I am ready. :)

Confessions - Intense.

As the namesake of my blog, I would love to share some confessions with this little space I own on the world wide web, just because.

I have always been one of those people, who can be very extreme, especially when it comes to emotionally-driven things. Besides the mature, logical, rational thoughts I try to keep on track, what the heart decides is always on either side of the spectrum (Thankfully, it is usually the good things I feel much more intense about).

My mind, can often think of things in the grey area, seeing things in their many layers and trying to understand them from different perspectives. But there are certain things, that my mind does not have the ability to have a say (a thought? I mean, how can the mind have a "say" when it can't talk? anyway, you get me ) in. There comes certain things, certain time where my whole perspective is clouded, and decides to love or hate certain things "just because". The closest way I can explain this is, it's something like when you like a color, and people ask you why, and you are like, "no reason. I just like it."

I guess everyone has this special compartment in their lives where their emotions get way ahead of the rational mind. I have them too, and mine is pretty much intense.

I am that kind of person, where I may come off too strong, when it comes to all these "touchy feely" stuff. I have never been good at keeping overwhelming feelings and emotions to myself. It's a blessing and a curse at the same time, really. I find it very difficult to keep these overflowing intense emotions to myself, and feel a need to let someone know. Whether is talking about a great book I just read, or telling a friend how much I am thankful to have them around.


I often get annoyed at myself, because sometimes, this whole intense thing, makes me overthink way too much for my own good. Late nights in bed with the lights off, a bit too much of caffeine, a very slight amount of alcohol, and my intensity for all these emotions doubles up. It's bad enough that it's intense, it gets worse when there comes those catalysts.

I keep telling myself, to stop being so intense, because this intensity scares most people away. Sometimes when I go on and on and on and on about something I am intrigued about, people look at me as if I am out of my mind. Sometimes when I overthink stuff, I send random lengthy texts to the people around me, and when I say lengthy, I really mean lengthy, and usually always it is followed by a "Oh shit what have I done?" from my end, and a reply somewhere along the lines of  "OMG WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!".

So sometimes I try my best, with all my might to change that about me. To learn to shut up when I am overwhelmed. Sometimes I have to turn to writing it all out in order to keep myself sane. But then again, is it really bad to be intense? Yeah sure, it's much better to learn to keep things in an equilibrium, to be a little bit more balanced when it comes to emotions, especially negative ones.

But what about the good ones? If I miss a friend, even if we haven't talk since a long time because we fought, does it mean I can't randomly start a conversation with them? If I think someone is really attractive, just because it is weird and creepy according to society's stupid norms, does it mean I can't let them know? If I like you, do I have to pretend I don't really like you just so I can appear to be more "valuable"? Just because I like you too, does it mean I worth a lil less? I guess not.

Perhaps there are many people who might not be used to this kind of intensity, but then again, that is who I am, and I can't really change that. I like to do random things, crazy things to some, irrational things according to my much more rational friends, just to convey my message.

I would love to be that mysterious girl who seems so complicated that you can't figure out what is going on in her head. But I can't be that person, no matter how hard I try to change. I say things straight. If I don't like something, I say it. I say it because that is what I think (Of course, it is super important to not hurt the people around you by doing so). If I like something, I say it. It may be responded negatively, but then again, I say it sincerely, and I don't say it to get something nice in return, I say it because I feel strongly about it, and thought that the person should know.

Because I am tired of trying to mold myself into something that I am not. I am straight forward, and I like expressing my feelings. I am tired of trying to be the kind of girl society dictates I should be. I do apologize if my intensity scares you, but I guess that is who I am, really and truly. Not saying this will never change over time, but for now, I guess it is time to embrace that little part of who I am.

And to those of you who share the same level of intensity, do not diminish it. Learn to embrace it. Even if many people do not understand it. Because it is utterly beautiful to be able to feel things so intensely.


With much Love,