Confessions - Intense.

As the namesake of my blog, I would love to share some confessions with this little space I own on the world wide web, just because.

I have always been one of those people, who can be very extreme, especially when it comes to emotionally-driven things. Besides the mature, logical, rational thoughts I try to keep on track, what the heart decides is always on either side of the spectrum (Thankfully, it is usually the good things I feel much more intense about).

My mind, can often think of things in the grey area, seeing things in their many layers and trying to understand them from different perspectives. But there are certain things, that my mind does not have the ability to have a say (a thought? I mean, how can the mind have a "say" when it can't talk? anyway, you get me ) in. There comes certain things, certain time where my whole perspective is clouded, and decides to love or hate certain things "just because". The closest way I can explain this is, it's something like when you like a color, and people ask you why, and you are like, "no reason. I just like it."

I guess everyone has this special compartment in their lives where their emotions get way ahead of the rational mind. I have them too, and mine is pretty much intense.

I am that kind of person, where I may come off too strong, when it comes to all these "touchy feely" stuff. I have never been good at keeping overwhelming feelings and emotions to myself. It's a blessing and a curse at the same time, really. I find it very difficult to keep these overflowing intense emotions to myself, and feel a need to let someone know. Whether is talking about a great book I just read, or telling a friend how much I am thankful to have them around.


I often get annoyed at myself, because sometimes, this whole intense thing, makes me overthink way too much for my own good. Late nights in bed with the lights off, a bit too much of caffeine, a very slight amount of alcohol, and my intensity for all these emotions doubles up. It's bad enough that it's intense, it gets worse when there comes those catalysts.

I keep telling myself, to stop being so intense, because this intensity scares most people away. Sometimes when I go on and on and on and on about something I am intrigued about, people look at me as if I am out of my mind. Sometimes when I overthink stuff, I send random lengthy texts to the people around me, and when I say lengthy, I really mean lengthy, and usually always it is followed by a "Oh shit what have I done?" from my end, and a reply somewhere along the lines of  "OMG WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!".

So sometimes I try my best, with all my might to change that about me. To learn to shut up when I am overwhelmed. Sometimes I have to turn to writing it all out in order to keep myself sane. But then again, is it really bad to be intense? Yeah sure, it's much better to learn to keep things in an equilibrium, to be a little bit more balanced when it comes to emotions, especially negative ones.

But what about the good ones? If I miss a friend, even if we haven't talk since a long time because we fought, does it mean I can't randomly start a conversation with them? If I think someone is really attractive, just because it is weird and creepy according to society's stupid norms, does it mean I can't let them know? If I like you, do I have to pretend I don't really like you just so I can appear to be more "valuable"? Just because I like you too, does it mean I worth a lil less? I guess not.

Perhaps there are many people who might not be used to this kind of intensity, but then again, that is who I am, and I can't really change that. I like to do random things, crazy things to some, irrational things according to my much more rational friends, just to convey my message.

I would love to be that mysterious girl who seems so complicated that you can't figure out what is going on in her head. But I can't be that person, no matter how hard I try to change. I say things straight. If I don't like something, I say it. I say it because that is what I think (Of course, it is super important to not hurt the people around you by doing so). If I like something, I say it. It may be responded negatively, but then again, I say it sincerely, and I don't say it to get something nice in return, I say it because I feel strongly about it, and thought that the person should know.

Because I am tired of trying to mold myself into something that I am not. I am straight forward, and I like expressing my feelings. I am tired of trying to be the kind of girl society dictates I should be. I do apologize if my intensity scares you, but I guess that is who I am, really and truly. Not saying this will never change over time, but for now, I guess it is time to embrace that little part of who I am.

And to those of you who share the same level of intensity, do not diminish it. Learn to embrace it. Even if many people do not understand it. Because it is utterly beautiful to be able to feel things so intensely.


With much Love,

#Talkative Thoughts - The shy side of emotions.

#TalkativeThoughts : A segment where I write and write and write about my thoughts running through my mind, sometimes a little disorganized (perhaps most of the time). The chitter chatter of my thoughts expressed through the tapping of my keyboard. In short, a wordy post.  

I wrote this random piece of work while I was waiting for my friend during my recent trip to KL. Just sharing my random talkative thoughts as usual. 

When you are in "the moment", right when everything is happening so vividly around you, you will naturally feel the emotions of it all. Whether it is the hyper, light-heated feeling when you are hanging out with your best pals; or the very painful, heartbreaking feeling when you see someone you love walking away from you. Those are the feelings that often hit you the hardest. They are the very attention-seeking feelings, demanding to be attended, yelling to be felt by you.

But there is also another kind of feelings. If the previous kind of feelings is a crash of waves, this kind is the slight ripple in the still waters. These are the feelings you feel after all the noise and drama is all over, after a long day, and you reach home physically tired, sort of drunk in tiredness, and your mind is blurry. This is the time you feel the emotions submerged under your exhausted body. It is often subtle, barely there, the very introverted side of emotions.

There are days when you lie in bed after a shower, right before falling asleep, and you feel very contented and grateful for the day to be over, no matter how good or bad it went. There may be days when you feel empty, as if the fun and chatter of your hangouts with friends that day is merely a blurry image, and you feel disconnected from that whole hype, and you feel rather alone.

These quiet emotions always remind me of what I really, truly feel inside. Not just at the specific moment, but it gives a more general picture of how I am feeling. However, no matter good or bad, happy or sad, most importantly, it always tells me that it is time to rest my body and mind, and a new day awaits. And this is the thought that makes it all alright again. 

 

Hope you are having a good Sunday to end the week. :) 

#TalkativeThoughts - Ghost from the past.

#TalkativeThoughts : A segment where I write and write and write about my thoughts running through my mind, sometimes a little disorganized (perhaps most of the time). The chitter chatter of my thoughts expressed through the tapping of my keyboard. In short, a wordy post.  

There has always been a debate while trying to understand the human mind, that is, if the past actually shapes a person's personality and attitudes, or it changes over time, and can be rectified after a person matures.

Well, as much as I hate sounding like those forever "on-the-fence" people, I have always believe that the past indeed plays a part in shaping us into the way we are now, but then again, I do not believe that the past actually defines us. Maybe because I think generally I am a hopeful person (I have my morbid moments but right now, I have pulled myself out of the pit and start to become the optimistic person again), and I do not like the idea that the things from before sets us into this unchangeable being. I prefer the more hopeful approach, in which despite the past shaping us, as long as we are aware, and is determine to work on ourselves, we are able to counter the effects and build ourselves to become better individuals.

Speaking about the past, I may not have went through major tragic or dramatic issues that has caused me to be broken, but I dare say I have had my fair share of accumulated problems that caused me to become a certain way. I believe that no matter how small a problem may seem to a third person, only the person in that situation will know how it affects themselves so much. Because after all, how an issue is, and how much it affects someone is based on individual perception and all that. Okay, okay I am starting to get off track.

Back to my point. There has been a lot of happenings in my past that I do not enjoy going back to, or stupid decisions I made that got me into a cycle of self-destruction and self-doubt. I have never been one of those cool kids, not in primary school, not in high school. I often question myself, if there was anything wrong with myself, and why am I often the outsider. I have serious self confidence issues, never believing that anyone would like me, as a friend or even as a person. I do struggle up till now, to stop overthinking things, worrying that my friends getting bored or tired of me, or people freaked out by me once they get to know me better. I keep thinking if so many people left in my past experience, what's going to stop the people around me now to leave as well?

However, recently, I decided to let all that go. To let bad experiences from before to stop eating me up, to slowly accept myself for the way I am. This means continue improving myself for the better, but not beating myself up for the past. This means to make peace with the past and move on. 

The other day, my close pal asked me, "if you were ever given a chance, to go back in time, what part of the past will you change?" I thought about it, and I strongly believe my answer would be "nothing". I mean, I could, change the fact that I was easily jealous causing people to think I am a freak and decided to distance themselves from me, I could change the fact that I chose to quit the drama competition on the last year of my high school to be closer to the juniors, etc etc. But at the end of the day, if I were to change any of that, I would not be the person I will be today, and it might not even give me the lessons I have learned so far. I might still never learn how to be a better person, or even to gain insights on how certain matters are so small and petty that there are much bigger things to be happy and grateful about.

Sometimes in order to move on and let the past go, it involves letting go of all petty issues, forgiving the people around you, and most importantly, forgiving yourself. After all, is it even worth it to stop talking to a friend because of something you argued about 2 years ago, while missing out on the fun conversations you could have shared? It's true, there are people who you need to let go of in order to remove the toxicity and negativity, but even if you choose to distance yourself from them, learn to forgive and forget. After all, distancing yourself physically from them might not stop the angry thoughts you still have about that person bugging you each day. So the best way to let that all go, is learning to forgive and move on. Trust me, it's going to be a weight lifted off your shoulders. :) 

This year has been crazy so far for me. I have made lots of crazy decisions, but I am finally starting to be that happy, positive person I always wanted to be. Not going to lie, I do have days where I lie in bed obsessively scrolling all my social networks because I feel really bored and a lil empty, but I am trying, trying really hard to do things that makes me happy.

I may still feel insecure about a lot of stuff, but I am going to learn to be my own mentor, and help myself differentiate whats real and whats just the evil voice in my head telling me I am not good enough. I may still feel inadequate, but I am going to try harder to improve myself for the better. I may still go back to the cycle of being really upset or depressed when some small issue comes and mess me up, (after all, deep inside, I am still the girl who intensifies all emotions, both good and bad) but right now, I am building my foundation of positivity, letting go of all the ghost from the past, and starting out again with a new soul. 

 
I really, really hope you do too, and I hope you feel the relieve and freedom after deciding to cut the strings attached to your own ghost from the past.


XOXO, 

City Lights.

 

I still remember on the first month of being in KL for my internship, I told myself, "this place is just NOT for me. "

Who knew, by the last week of the 3-month period, I was so reluctant to leave this beautiful city. This city, with all it's majestic buildings that makes you stare at them in awe, and realize how small and irrelevant all your problems are.

Dear Kuala Lumpur, I guess, I left a lil piece of my heart with you. Thank you for the memories.

With Love,

#TalkativeThoughts - "You just know".

#TalkativeThoughts : A segment where I write and write and write about my thoughts running through my mind, sometimes a little disorganized (perhaps most of the time). The chitter chatter of my thoughts expressed through the tapping of my keyboard. In short, a wordy post.  



Have you ever felt trapped in a situation? Be it doing a job you really dread, in a relationship where you seem to be anxious and worried, instead of head over heels happy, a friendship where you are the only one putting in effort to stay in touch, or being in a place you feel like you don't belong?

I have. Loads of time.

Sometimes it's difficult to express these thoughts, because what other people see is how good your pay is, how perfect your relationship seems, and how you are just being negative or sensitive, and making a big deal out of things.

But somehow, you know something is not right, deep down in your guts, you just know.

"You just know". 

This phrase seems so abstract, I mean, how do you even know?! "Well, you just know" seems to be the best explanation. But I am not saying that it's not scary, when you just know, and yet you cannot seem to find a reason or explanation for this feeling, but just a plain six sense in you knowing it. But then comes your very logical and rational mind asking yourself, are you sure? are you being impulsive? are you overthinking things?

It's not easy to walk away from something that seems to be good, or at least not thaaat bad, just because "you just know". It's weird, it's uncertain, it's a crazy decision.

But then again, that dreadful feeling of waking up to that job, that heart wrenching moment when you get into yet another fight about the same thing, that uncomfortable feeling of being in a certain place... Is that all worth it? Just because it is something you can live with, does it mean it is something you should continue living with?

How do you even know a decision you are about to make is correct? What if it leaves you feeling worse, leave you with nothing, regretting a decision you made based on a simple gut feeling? Then what?

Sometimes, I sure wish life came with a manual, telling you what are the correct steps, study hard in psychology, be a counselor, marry that guy you met at the library named Ted, then add in the flour and eggs, then beat it until it is fluffy, put it into the oven till it turns golden brown or something like that.

But no, it does not. But then again, despite the uncertainties, isn't it a great feeling, to make a few wrong turns in life, and yet, find yourself along the way, find happiness and realize where you are is where you really want to be, all on your own?

If you ever feel trapped, suffocated, with someone, with a place, with something, even with yourself, do not be afraid to trust the little voice in your head, and make the change you deserve. So what if it was a wrong move? If you weren't happy where you were in the first place, that place probably was not meant to be for you.

If it turns out to be a mistake, you need to make it to know it's a mistake.

Quoting my favorite sitcom of all times :

Ted: No, it's not an adventure, it's a mistake!
Lily: OK, yes it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake, but there are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it's a mistake is to make the mistake and look back and say 'yep, that was a mistake.' So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake, because then you'd go your whole life not knowing if something is a mistake or not.

Because don't settle for something less than you deserve, and sometimes, you just got to have faith and believe yourself when "You Just Know".

Once again, so much love for you guys who took the time to read my talkative thoughts.

Till next time,

#TalkativeThoughts - Being 21.

It's been a while, about two months since I last blogged. It's not like I lost interest or I have forgotten about this very special place where I put my thoughts into words. To be honest, the main reason why I kept procrastinating was because I felt like my last few posts, totally changed the standard of my blog because of the pictures that I went through so much effort to capture and edit. So I was actually afraid to blog because I know I don't have much photos, and I know how a post with only words can seem pretty boring or even intimidating.

But I have missed writing, I have missed writing out what have been consuming my thoughts, and expressing it via writing. Besides, as much as I love experimenting taking artsy photos and editing them to make them blog worthy, or even just a slightest bit of looking professional, I find it difficult to do that now as I am doing my internship, where I dedicate more than half of my time to work, and most of the other time I have left is spent at home recovering from the tiredness from work. However, I really, really, really still want to keep writing, and not abandoning this little space I occupy on the world wide web to express myself. So, I decided to continue writing posts, even if I have no pictures to accompany my words.

Because I have an OCD need to compartmentalize stuff, I decided to actually separate this sort of long, wordy posts without much photos to a new segment, which I decided to name, Talkative Thoughts.

#TalkativeThoughts : A segment where I write and write and write about my thoughts running through my mind, sometimes a little disorganized (perhaps most of the time). The chitter chatter of my thoughts expressed through the tapping of my keyboard. In short, a wordy post.



Alright, I shall hop in straight to my first #TalkativeThought post, which as the title says, is about being 21.



Everyone knows that turning 21 is a big deal. Well, it is the norm to make it a big deal since you are officially an adult now. Well, I have always imagined like how it would actually feel, to be able to be an adult, to be able to be responsible of yourself, and the decisions you make. Oh, and on a more pretentious level, I always thought that my 21st birthday would be one of the best birthdays of my life, partying hard, with lots of people celebrating it with me; because after all, that is what all the chick flicks I watched have proven it to be.

Well, its almost after a month of being 21, and no, I did not have a crazy birthday bash, nothing even near to be precise, but I guess being 21 at this time, it coincides with a pretty significant step of my life.

During this period, I have courageously chose to do my internship all the way in the big city, Kuala Lumpur because of a company I have always looked up to. It's not even like it is because it's a great psychology/counselling centre, it is because it is actually related to another one of my great interests, FASHION. It has been a prestigious company I have always been interested to work in, but have always brush the thought off due to my own initial plans of becoming a counselor or a psychologists of some sort. So choosing this company was a great shock to my parents, whom kept questioning me, "Why suddenly? what happened to your dream of doing counseling/clinical psychology?" and "If you want to work in a corporate industry, why do you have to go all the way to KL?" or even questions from my brother like, "Are you sure you want to do this? It might be irrelevant in your resume in the future!"

But at the end, after so many debates I had with my family, and mostly myself (only my close friends know how much internal struggle I went through to decide and convinced my family), I decided this is where I want to do my internship. I was lucky enough to have one of my close friend/course mate who decided to do her internship in this company as well. So here we are, all the way from penang, doing our internship in a company that is not really related to our course, sharing a room in a house with a few mean and selfish housemates, living the budget of life of cooking super duper simple meals and even bringing it to work most days.

Getting back on track, on my 21st birthday, I was working, doing a job which I actually kinda enjoy and love. Besides, how can I not feel loved when my immediate boss, who is the manager, came over to gave me a hug and wished me happy birthday in the morning, and invited me for lunch with her and the other bosses. Oh and the best part of this birthday? Getting compliments on the work I did, which I put in a lot of effort in. That was the best feeling ever. It made me realize, that was a great stamp to start my "adult life", putting in my hard work into a job that I enjoy, and actually being acknowledged for it. After work, I did have a good meal of awesome Japanese food, together with my roommate, who was so sick with flu, but still insisted to teman me for a good dinner. On an irrelevant note, I was also down with flu on the day right after my birthday. But after two days, which was a Sunday, I managed to crawl out of my bed and continued my work at home. Which once again, reminds me that being an adult means being responsible.

All in all, being 21 perhaps is not really about partying hard and doing things like drinking legally, but it's actually knowing what matters to you most. It is about realizing what you want to do with your life, if you are working towards the right path, if you are working hard enough to realize your own passions and dreams.

And that is all I want right now. To learn to be better, to work really hard towards my passion and dreams, to know my priorities, to know who and what really matters most, and to always keep them in sight. And most importantly, to always be thankful for all that I have.

It is no walk in the park doing this internship, with adapting to the working routine, the very small space I have in my room, away from my parents, away from most of my friends whom I can always run to, away from my comfort zone....But as the saying goes....

photo credits to one of my current obsessions on instagram : @whitefortype (Natasha) who does amazing brush writing. Go check her out!

Being 21 is a time to explore, to find places you want to go, places you belong, to find your own passions and dreams, to find, ultimately, yourself. :)

With much love for all of those who bothered to read through such a wordy post,

the gold project.

During exam period, I was itching to do some fun and interesting small projects like learning photoshop and upgrading my blog. Another one of them, was to do some photo shoot projects with none other than my best friend, Ming Han.

We once did a photo shoot for fun in high school when Ming Han first got his DSLR, but that was pretty much low quality as we did not have enough experience and exposure to all these stuff, and we just randomly did it for fun. As much fun as we had, we were mocked by people around us, for the "wannabe" photos and I had a pretty hard time trying to get over people laughing at our works. But now to think back, seriously, and as the way my girl Taylor Swift would say, "why you gotta be so mean?!"

So this time, we promised that we will do another one, much better than the one we did before, and we wanted to make our semester break much more productive by doing this photo shoot project, instead of just sitting around doing nothing completely. I still remember how it started, I was in the library studying, and I randomly FB messaged Ming Han, saying we should do a photo shoot, and surprisingly, he said he had the same urge to do it too! So we made a pact to do this project as soon as we finish our exams.

While we were discussing this, I just randomly called it "the gold project" between us both because of some historical context from high school jokes. But after that, this name got stuck, and I actually got to love the simplicity of this name, and Ming Han could not think of anything else that seems better and more appropriate, so "the gold project." is born.

We started out with our first ever photo shoot project named "Wild Hearts". Ming Han wanted to do a photoshoot that is high fashion and fueled with "oomph" and a strong, feisty feel to it. I wanted to have a photo shoot where the background is grey and made of concrete, as I have always love how photo shoots can make a background that is almost something you would not notice, become a place where beautiful pictures can be created.

Altogether, it was a 3 day effort to create our first the gold project, named "Wild Hearts". We used the first day to plan and visualize what theme and direction for this photo shoot, followed by choosing the outfit and giving the make up a trial run. On the second day, we went out for our photoshoot, and on the last day we edited our photos, chose our favourite ones, and created our FB page. You can visit our FB page to see the whole album HERE.

I am very proud of our first photo shoot as we put in lots of hard work into it, and were really committed. I get questions and even some teasing ( I don't know why, but whenever you do something out of the norm, it becomes a target of mockery), but I don't see how that is going to stop me from doing these unusual small projects that I always wanted to do. Why choose to conform, when you have the potential to do crazy things, embark on different journeys, and just have fun? :)

Here are some photos that were not in our FB page, but which I kinda love as well.

 

With the very professional, and yet fun Zhong Yew :) 

Founders of the gold project. ;)


We asked Zhong Yew to come along, and he helped us a lot! As he is now the founder of his start up company Giovane, which deals with entertainment and media, he gave us a lot of pointers and helpful tips. It was a great day out with these two and we had loads of fun.

Oh, and did I mention that the shoot location was found by coincidence? We planned to go to one of the factories in the industrial area, but when we went in to ask, they wanted us to apply, and write in and all the formality documents etc. So we gave up, and thought of going to the airport area to shoot. But when Ming Han took a wrong turn, we were at this cul-de-sac which has a small road leading to a kampung. There were all these concrete pieces piled up in one messy corner, including a pile of tar. But when we saw this section, what we saw was the different shapes and textures that held potential to be a great background for our photos. (Oh, and we went down to be greeted by the stench of rubbish, because on the opposite was a big rubbish dump area, but we survived through it and got our noses numb to it. )

Who knew a place like this could produce such a nice background for a photo shoot huh? :)

This first phase of the gold project was so much fun, and I look forward to more to come! Stay tuned for more of our escapades!

With Love,

Exam Favourites.

Just before my sembreak, as usual, I had my semester finals. This semester may "seem" easy because I have 3 major psychology subjects, the others are just minors like language (French), which I loved and took quite seriously lor, Pengajian Malaysia (Ha!) and English. But my 3 major subjects were pretty tough, because they were more technical and research based. But I tried my best to convince myself I love them, but it was NOT easy. Anyway, as finals get tougher each semester, there are certain things that helped me get through those tough weeks.

So I thought I'd share some of my exam favorites in case these are the things you might just need to get through fighting the exam weeks.

#1      Green Tea 

I think green tea is like my all-time favourite. I live for green tea. I guess I was sort of influenced by my mum and her routine of drinking green tea every evening. Back to my love for green tea. I love green tea, in all it's form. Matcha ice cream to green tea latte to the actual green tea itself, Mmmmmm. So good! I even think it's better than coffee, because sometimes coffee makes me feel a lil bloated and nauseous, so I prefer the light and refreshing green tea as my best companion, especially when I study for exams. I would refill and refill hot water until it becomes near to just plain water, then I throw out the tea bag. My university's library does not allow us to bring in any bottles or drinks, but for the sake of green tea, I was a total bad ass and did my Mission Impossible by smuggling in my flask of green tea. Eh, I really bad ass okay, I got spot checked twice, once entering, and once leaving, but I somehow, magically, did a whole books/jacket/flask juggle and got pass. Boo yeah! What was I talking about again? Oh, green tea. Yup, certainly effective to keep me staying fresh and awake while I study.

#2      Eyedrops 

During exams, my eyes get tired and strained very quickly. It feels stingy and dry, and if I ignore it, it gives me a headache. I have always live through this for the past exams by washing my eyes, or putting on my glasses, but it does not get better fast enough. Usually I need a nap, but sometimes time does not allow me to take a nap each time my eyes hurt, which is quite often. So I went and bought myself this Eye Glo Plus eyedrops, and I think it does help. Whenever my eyes feel a lil tired, I just drop a few drops into my eyes, and they don't feel as dry and tired. I recommend this to whoever who gets strained eyes while studying or staring at the computer for too long.

#3      Workable Stationary

I believe this is a no-brainer la. But some people just work with whatever stationary they have at hand to study, and I feel it does affect my study progress. I believe that good stationary is important to study effectively. Example, I found this cheap and smooth writing gel pen, it's not even branded, I just checked and it says Zhi Xin, and I don't think you can get this everywhere, but it's perfect! It makes my writing much neater, and since I make notes while I study, I find this pen super useful. I promise it makes your writing look much neater! Oh and it does not do that whole "I can't be used after I am dropped" thing like many gel pens. Whatever it is, get your favourite stationary that you need for exams, it's okay if its more pricey, but make sure it is workable for you.

#4      Messy Bun

I added this because I think throughout the whole exam period, especially if I am at home, my hair was up in a messy bun. It irritates me when my hair comes tumbling down in my face when I study. I'm already damn pek chek and stressed out, I don't need my hair distracting me. Besides, I get distracted if I don't tie it up. I will look at my hair ends, ask myself why so much split-ends, if I should color my hair, if I need a hair cut, google some hair care hacks and "byeeeeee, studies". So the best way is to get it away from my face and out out of my mind. Out of sight, out of mind. :p

#5     Daily To-Do Lists

I find it super useful to make daily to-do lists when I study, especially when finals are approaching. I like to write out my to-do list on the night before, right before I sleep, so I can have a clear mind on what I need to do the next day, and can wake up feeling determined and motivated. Another tip on this, don't overestimate/underestimate your own ability. I used to write a long list, forcing myself to complete more chapters than I can handle, and it either ends up with me rushing through the chapters without properly digesting it, or feeling super demotivated and ended up not doing anything. So know your own ability and plan achievable lists.

#6      Nail Polish

I know, I know. Weird to be on the list right? This is really subjective. But for me, I think it's worth it to paint my nails during my small breaks between study sessions. I prefer painting it in funky colours like yellow and orange this time. I find the pop of color at my fingertips cheers me up and brings more color to my dull lecture notes and textbooks. It just makes me happy each time I see those colors running around across my notes when I study. Maybe I am hardcore vain la, but if you are a girl, and you like seeing some colors on your nails, you should try it. Its these little things that keeps my mood lifted.

#7    Unwinding tools 

Different people have different ways of unwinding, but it is important to unwind after a whole day of studying. I know some people might think, "crazy meh, exams watch show?!". But I think it works for me. If I finish all I was suppose to cover that day, I wind down and watch an episode of sitcom, in this case my favourite series, How I Met Your Mother to unwind and go to sleep relaxed. If you think it takes too much time, you can opt to do some light reading, play some music, or watch some youtube videos, or just whatever you like, to treat yourself for being hardworking. It makes you feel good about yourself. :)


So these were my exam favourites for this semester, thanks for reading!

To those having exams currently, good luck and all the best!

Till next time,

Beach Please.

Hey guys, I'm back! Before this, I had tried to draft out posts but was facing some writer's block.. And I was also feeling a lil demotivated because I was not happy with the way my blog looks... I know, I know, NO EXCUSES.

But ever since sembreak, which started last week, I have been really motivated to get this blog up and going. I created a new header, since I managed to get the Photoshop program from Ming Han and he taught me the few basics, and with the help of google, I manage to create my own headers. Yay!


Now let's get back to the point.


Being a typical islander, I love the beach. Funny thing is ever since I left to Kampar to study, I often long to go back to the beach, even more so than I was in Penang, it's like a part of me is missing, as if I am actually not used to not having the sea around me. A friend of mine once made a statement, Penang people NEEDS the sea/beach.. If they leave to other places, the one thing that they will miss most is the beach. I am not certain enough to say that this is true, but I know I always find myself falling in love each time my bare feet touches the warm sand and cold sea water.


So the other day, when the peeps from Kulim and Mukit Mertajam came to the island, together with the city boy all the way from Kajang who was in town for that few days, we decided to go down to the beach, regardless of the time constraint and traffic jam. I mean, beach please, it's the freaking beach we are talking about. (Pun totally intended! :p )

I love the thrill of the sea waves crashing towards shore and sweeping away the sand beneath your feet. It still startles me sometimes, especially when the waves are strong, because it feels like you are being swept away, literally.

 There was this boat floating on the water right in front of us, as if it's begging us to capture it together with the picturesque background.

Another thing to love about the beach, I love how the sun gleams and reflects on the sea water, making the lighting so perfect to take photos. I believe that the right amount of sunlight is in fact better than any photo filters you can find.

I love this candid shot of myself, sweat glistening on my forehead, looking unladylike, but absolutely happy. Sun, sea, sand, good company, it's impossible to not feel this way. 

Because after all, this is home, and home is where the heart is. <3


Love,

The Art of Being Alone. (A different perspective)

"What a lovely surprise to finally discover how not lonely being alone is. " - Ellen Burstyn 

Just the other day, on the phone with my friend, he jokingly asked me, "Am I your favourite company?"

I actually answered, "Yes you are my favorite company, but I think you are still my 2nd favorite company, because the first one is myself. "  I myself was pretty shocked by the answer I just uttered, and yet it spoke my mind, and made me feel an overwhelming sense of self.

The reason my title says "a different perspective" is because when I was in Form 5 (17 years old), I wrote a post titled "The Art of Being Alone" in my old personal blog describing how I could not stand being alone, how uncomfortable I feel with awkward silences and being alone, and how much I wanted to to grasp the art of being alone.

3 and a half years later, here I am writing another post, to share my thoughts on how much I actually enjoy having my alone time. Its fascinating how time and experience can change a person's perspective, help a person to grow and mature, huh? I mean I still feel surprised and in awe of how different my perspective and thoughts about things are from the 17 year old me.

Alright, back to my new found love to enjoy solitude.

Its been awhile already, but recently, this feeling got even stronger, the feeling of really enjoying my timeout from people, and that includes my family or my friends, and embracing my own company. I don't mind going out on personal outings like grocery shopping alone or grabbing lunch.
I especially enjoy doing things alone in the comfort of my own room, such as playing some super chill playlist on Spotify, watch some dramas, and even getting my work done.

I find that a lot of my alone time are super productive. This is cause I can do whatever I want, at my own pace. I am a planner, and I like when things are listed out according to their importance, and specific time allocated for each task, and I get to do things in a specific manner which makes it most productive. I do slack, no doubt, but at least I can be working at my own pace.

 

Another thing I love about being alone, is I actually have deep thoughts. To be honest, I have conversations with myself. I like that a lot cause it makes me think and reflect, and along the way, I kinda understand myself better. Although it sounds like narcissism, I think its really important to have conversations with yourself and enjoy your own company. When I'm alone, I go into all sorts of conversations with myself, from frivolous things like "Should I paint my nails bright or dark this time? "I feel like dark because its classy, but then again I feel like getting into a cheerful mood with some colors.", to deep conversations about my future, what do I want in life and if I am working towards the right path. I know that even when you are with people, you can talk about all this stuff, but sometimes its really nice to be able to have internal debates with yourself, and gain new insights. Its actually pretty fulfilling. :)

One last thing, I like how carefree being alone is. When I used to be afraid to spend time alone, I would have to go through all my contacts, ask if anyone was free to hang out, and had to face disappointment, and actually going out and spending time with people who aren't that great company after all, engaging in awkward conversations, or worse, hanging out with people whom I can't really be comfortable and at ease with. So ever since I embraced solidarity, I stop desperately looking for company just because I need company. Rather, I enjoy spending time just doing whatever I want, playing whatever music I feel like, and not having to worry about being an awkward penguin in awkward situations.

Just like right now, as I am typing out this post, with 1234 by Feist playing behind,  while waiting for my nails to dry. Totally awesome kind of chill time. Ahhhhh. This is real bliss.

I do love the company of people, especially those whom I enjoy spending time with. I am not anti social (at least not completely :p), I still love hanging out with my friends, is just that I find a need to spend some time with myself. If I don't get this timely timeouts (saw the play of words, not?! hehehe), I tend to feel suffocated, and I become a bit distant and distracted from my conversations with other people. So it is sort of like a balance. After some time with friends, I like to rejuvenate with some alone time, then after that, I would be able to fully enjoy the company of those around me.

Why force yourself to be surrounded by people? Another quote I really like is by Jean-Paul Sartre, who said that "If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company." I guess you need to be able to accept yourself fully to be able to enjoy spending time with yourself, and its a really nice feeling to know you are alright being alone in your own company.

So don't be afraid to be alone. Embrace the independence, enjoy the solidarity. <3

Reunion of Tuition Gang.

To reminisce with my old friends, a chance to share some memories, and play our songs again. 

- Ricky Nelson 

I am back in Penang for the Chinese New Year holidays! 

The first night of touchdown in the Pearl of the Orient itself, I met up with the "tuition gang" a.k.a. one of my favorite groups of company. We bonded through BM tuition during Form 5, together with our crazy Cikgu who was the leader of craziness. So much has changed since we crammed into Cikgu's white Myvi every Thursday after school, go out for lunches, rant through our car rides, have tuition together around the long table in Cikgu's house. It gets to me every time. How I miss those moments where we were just kids laughing at stupid things, and complaining about what seems like nothing now.  Some of us have drifted apart, but for the most of us, we seem to still meet up once in awhile, and there were a few outings where there were lil cliques due to our differences in life changes (Form 6 kids VS University kids), but somehow, we always come back together, and I am so grateful for this friendship. 

I compiled these pictures awhile back when I was in Kampar feeling lonely. My favorite picture is still the bottom picture because that was where we bonded and stuck together ever since. Oh and yes, I am the only girl of this gang, and trust me, it was so not intended to be this way. Long Story. (I started to jio people for this tuition class, asked Ming Han of course, he asked Yong Ming, Dennis and Derrick, and they asked the others blah blah blah, and it ended up with me being the only girl. )

So this was on Monday night. And that is Cikgu (second from right) and her sister. 

That night as we talked in a circle after Cikgu left, I felt how comfortable it all was. Because now that everyone has entered Uni, there seems to be so much change in the way we talk and think. Somehow everyone matured and have grown up. Our topics and thoughts were more in depth, and we were once again in the same wavelength. It was so different like how we were back in school, but somehow still feels the same. And sometimes in between our deep conversations, there comes a stupid childish joke from one of us, and we are throwing back our heads in laughter just like old times. :') We are not the kind of friends who talk often or even hang out often, but we are indeed the kind of group that gets together once in awhile to talk about anything and everything, and reminisce about our memories.

I am not the kind of girl who have lots of friends around me, I don't have different group of friends whom I have to actually plan and schedule outings just to fit all of them in. I never was, never is the popular kid. But when I find good friends, I really, really cherish them. Yes, some of these people are closer to me than others, I share different stories with each of them, but when we come together, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. 

I do not know why I am being sentimental. Probably cause it's first day of CNY and I am stuck at home with no plans and just finished one assignment (yay to that!) and misses the noises we make during tuition as well as our outings. Whatever it is, I am just grateful for this group of people. 

Hope your Chinese New Year too is filled with reunions with not only families, but also old friends. Happy Chinese New Year!