#TalkativeThoughts - "You just know".

#TalkativeThoughts : A segment where I write and write and write about my thoughts running through my mind, sometimes a little disorganized (perhaps most of the time). The chitter chatter of my thoughts expressed through the tapping of my keyboard. In short, a wordy post.  



Have you ever felt trapped in a situation? Be it doing a job you really dread, in a relationship where you seem to be anxious and worried, instead of head over heels happy, a friendship where you are the only one putting in effort to stay in touch, or being in a place you feel like you don't belong?

I have. Loads of time.

Sometimes it's difficult to express these thoughts, because what other people see is how good your pay is, how perfect your relationship seems, and how you are just being negative or sensitive, and making a big deal out of things.

But somehow, you know something is not right, deep down in your guts, you just know.

"You just know". 

This phrase seems so abstract, I mean, how do you even know?! "Well, you just know" seems to be the best explanation. But I am not saying that it's not scary, when you just know, and yet you cannot seem to find a reason or explanation for this feeling, but just a plain six sense in you knowing it. But then comes your very logical and rational mind asking yourself, are you sure? are you being impulsive? are you overthinking things?

It's not easy to walk away from something that seems to be good, or at least not thaaat bad, just because "you just know". It's weird, it's uncertain, it's a crazy decision.

But then again, that dreadful feeling of waking up to that job, that heart wrenching moment when you get into yet another fight about the same thing, that uncomfortable feeling of being in a certain place... Is that all worth it? Just because it is something you can live with, does it mean it is something you should continue living with?

How do you even know a decision you are about to make is correct? What if it leaves you feeling worse, leave you with nothing, regretting a decision you made based on a simple gut feeling? Then what?

Sometimes, I sure wish life came with a manual, telling you what are the correct steps, study hard in psychology, be a counselor, marry that guy you met at the library named Ted, then add in the flour and eggs, then beat it until it is fluffy, put it into the oven till it turns golden brown or something like that.

But no, it does not. But then again, despite the uncertainties, isn't it a great feeling, to make a few wrong turns in life, and yet, find yourself along the way, find happiness and realize where you are is where you really want to be, all on your own?

If you ever feel trapped, suffocated, with someone, with a place, with something, even with yourself, do not be afraid to trust the little voice in your head, and make the change you deserve. So what if it was a wrong move? If you weren't happy where you were in the first place, that place probably was not meant to be for you.

If it turns out to be a mistake, you need to make it to know it's a mistake.

Quoting my favorite sitcom of all times :

Ted: No, it's not an adventure, it's a mistake!
Lily: OK, yes it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake, but there are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it's a mistake is to make the mistake and look back and say 'yep, that was a mistake.' So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake, because then you'd go your whole life not knowing if something is a mistake or not.

Because don't settle for something less than you deserve, and sometimes, you just got to have faith and believe yourself when "You Just Know".

Once again, so much love for you guys who took the time to read my talkative thoughts.

Till next time,

#TalkativeThoughts - Being 21.

It's been a while, about two months since I last blogged. It's not like I lost interest or I have forgotten about this very special place where I put my thoughts into words. To be honest, the main reason why I kept procrastinating was because I felt like my last few posts, totally changed the standard of my blog because of the pictures that I went through so much effort to capture and edit. So I was actually afraid to blog because I know I don't have much photos, and I know how a post with only words can seem pretty boring or even intimidating.

But I have missed writing, I have missed writing out what have been consuming my thoughts, and expressing it via writing. Besides, as much as I love experimenting taking artsy photos and editing them to make them blog worthy, or even just a slightest bit of looking professional, I find it difficult to do that now as I am doing my internship, where I dedicate more than half of my time to work, and most of the other time I have left is spent at home recovering from the tiredness from work. However, I really, really, really still want to keep writing, and not abandoning this little space I occupy on the world wide web to express myself. So, I decided to continue writing posts, even if I have no pictures to accompany my words.

Because I have an OCD need to compartmentalize stuff, I decided to actually separate this sort of long, wordy posts without much photos to a new segment, which I decided to name, Talkative Thoughts.

#TalkativeThoughts : A segment where I write and write and write about my thoughts running through my mind, sometimes a little disorganized (perhaps most of the time). The chitter chatter of my thoughts expressed through the tapping of my keyboard. In short, a wordy post.



Alright, I shall hop in straight to my first #TalkativeThought post, which as the title says, is about being 21.



Everyone knows that turning 21 is a big deal. Well, it is the norm to make it a big deal since you are officially an adult now. Well, I have always imagined like how it would actually feel, to be able to be an adult, to be able to be responsible of yourself, and the decisions you make. Oh, and on a more pretentious level, I always thought that my 21st birthday would be one of the best birthdays of my life, partying hard, with lots of people celebrating it with me; because after all, that is what all the chick flicks I watched have proven it to be.

Well, its almost after a month of being 21, and no, I did not have a crazy birthday bash, nothing even near to be precise, but I guess being 21 at this time, it coincides with a pretty significant step of my life.

During this period, I have courageously chose to do my internship all the way in the big city, Kuala Lumpur because of a company I have always looked up to. It's not even like it is because it's a great psychology/counselling centre, it is because it is actually related to another one of my great interests, FASHION. It has been a prestigious company I have always been interested to work in, but have always brush the thought off due to my own initial plans of becoming a counselor or a psychologists of some sort. So choosing this company was a great shock to my parents, whom kept questioning me, "Why suddenly? what happened to your dream of doing counseling/clinical psychology?" and "If you want to work in a corporate industry, why do you have to go all the way to KL?" or even questions from my brother like, "Are you sure you want to do this? It might be irrelevant in your resume in the future!"

But at the end, after so many debates I had with my family, and mostly myself (only my close friends know how much internal struggle I went through to decide and convinced my family), I decided this is where I want to do my internship. I was lucky enough to have one of my close friend/course mate who decided to do her internship in this company as well. So here we are, all the way from penang, doing our internship in a company that is not really related to our course, sharing a room in a house with a few mean and selfish housemates, living the budget of life of cooking super duper simple meals and even bringing it to work most days.

Getting back on track, on my 21st birthday, I was working, doing a job which I actually kinda enjoy and love. Besides, how can I not feel loved when my immediate boss, who is the manager, came over to gave me a hug and wished me happy birthday in the morning, and invited me for lunch with her and the other bosses. Oh and the best part of this birthday? Getting compliments on the work I did, which I put in a lot of effort in. That was the best feeling ever. It made me realize, that was a great stamp to start my "adult life", putting in my hard work into a job that I enjoy, and actually being acknowledged for it. After work, I did have a good meal of awesome Japanese food, together with my roommate, who was so sick with flu, but still insisted to teman me for a good dinner. On an irrelevant note, I was also down with flu on the day right after my birthday. But after two days, which was a Sunday, I managed to crawl out of my bed and continued my work at home. Which once again, reminds me that being an adult means being responsible.

All in all, being 21 perhaps is not really about partying hard and doing things like drinking legally, but it's actually knowing what matters to you most. It is about realizing what you want to do with your life, if you are working towards the right path, if you are working hard enough to realize your own passions and dreams.

And that is all I want right now. To learn to be better, to work really hard towards my passion and dreams, to know my priorities, to know who and what really matters most, and to always keep them in sight. And most importantly, to always be thankful for all that I have.

It is no walk in the park doing this internship, with adapting to the working routine, the very small space I have in my room, away from my parents, away from most of my friends whom I can always run to, away from my comfort zone....But as the saying goes....

photo credits to one of my current obsessions on instagram : @whitefortype (Natasha) who does amazing brush writing. Go check her out!

Being 21 is a time to explore, to find places you want to go, places you belong, to find your own passions and dreams, to find, ultimately, yourself. :)

With much love for all of those who bothered to read through such a wordy post,

Exam Favourites.

Just before my sembreak, as usual, I had my semester finals. This semester may "seem" easy because I have 3 major psychology subjects, the others are just minors like language (French), which I loved and took quite seriously lor, Pengajian Malaysia (Ha!) and English. But my 3 major subjects were pretty tough, because they were more technical and research based. But I tried my best to convince myself I love them, but it was NOT easy. Anyway, as finals get tougher each semester, there are certain things that helped me get through those tough weeks.

So I thought I'd share some of my exam favorites in case these are the things you might just need to get through fighting the exam weeks.

#1      Green Tea 

I think green tea is like my all-time favourite. I live for green tea. I guess I was sort of influenced by my mum and her routine of drinking green tea every evening. Back to my love for green tea. I love green tea, in all it's form. Matcha ice cream to green tea latte to the actual green tea itself, Mmmmmm. So good! I even think it's better than coffee, because sometimes coffee makes me feel a lil bloated and nauseous, so I prefer the light and refreshing green tea as my best companion, especially when I study for exams. I would refill and refill hot water until it becomes near to just plain water, then I throw out the tea bag. My university's library does not allow us to bring in any bottles or drinks, but for the sake of green tea, I was a total bad ass and did my Mission Impossible by smuggling in my flask of green tea. Eh, I really bad ass okay, I got spot checked twice, once entering, and once leaving, but I somehow, magically, did a whole books/jacket/flask juggle and got pass. Boo yeah! What was I talking about again? Oh, green tea. Yup, certainly effective to keep me staying fresh and awake while I study.

#2      Eyedrops 

During exams, my eyes get tired and strained very quickly. It feels stingy and dry, and if I ignore it, it gives me a headache. I have always live through this for the past exams by washing my eyes, or putting on my glasses, but it does not get better fast enough. Usually I need a nap, but sometimes time does not allow me to take a nap each time my eyes hurt, which is quite often. So I went and bought myself this Eye Glo Plus eyedrops, and I think it does help. Whenever my eyes feel a lil tired, I just drop a few drops into my eyes, and they don't feel as dry and tired. I recommend this to whoever who gets strained eyes while studying or staring at the computer for too long.

#3      Workable Stationary

I believe this is a no-brainer la. But some people just work with whatever stationary they have at hand to study, and I feel it does affect my study progress. I believe that good stationary is important to study effectively. Example, I found this cheap and smooth writing gel pen, it's not even branded, I just checked and it says Zhi Xin, and I don't think you can get this everywhere, but it's perfect! It makes my writing much neater, and since I make notes while I study, I find this pen super useful. I promise it makes your writing look much neater! Oh and it does not do that whole "I can't be used after I am dropped" thing like many gel pens. Whatever it is, get your favourite stationary that you need for exams, it's okay if its more pricey, but make sure it is workable for you.

#4      Messy Bun

I added this because I think throughout the whole exam period, especially if I am at home, my hair was up in a messy bun. It irritates me when my hair comes tumbling down in my face when I study. I'm already damn pek chek and stressed out, I don't need my hair distracting me. Besides, I get distracted if I don't tie it up. I will look at my hair ends, ask myself why so much split-ends, if I should color my hair, if I need a hair cut, google some hair care hacks and "byeeeeee, studies". So the best way is to get it away from my face and out out of my mind. Out of sight, out of mind. :p

#5     Daily To-Do Lists

I find it super useful to make daily to-do lists when I study, especially when finals are approaching. I like to write out my to-do list on the night before, right before I sleep, so I can have a clear mind on what I need to do the next day, and can wake up feeling determined and motivated. Another tip on this, don't overestimate/underestimate your own ability. I used to write a long list, forcing myself to complete more chapters than I can handle, and it either ends up with me rushing through the chapters without properly digesting it, or feeling super demotivated and ended up not doing anything. So know your own ability and plan achievable lists.

#6      Nail Polish

I know, I know. Weird to be on the list right? This is really subjective. But for me, I think it's worth it to paint my nails during my small breaks between study sessions. I prefer painting it in funky colours like yellow and orange this time. I find the pop of color at my fingertips cheers me up and brings more color to my dull lecture notes and textbooks. It just makes me happy each time I see those colors running around across my notes when I study. Maybe I am hardcore vain la, but if you are a girl, and you like seeing some colors on your nails, you should try it. Its these little things that keeps my mood lifted.

#7    Unwinding tools 

Different people have different ways of unwinding, but it is important to unwind after a whole day of studying. I know some people might think, "crazy meh, exams watch show?!". But I think it works for me. If I finish all I was suppose to cover that day, I wind down and watch an episode of sitcom, in this case my favourite series, How I Met Your Mother to unwind and go to sleep relaxed. If you think it takes too much time, you can opt to do some light reading, play some music, or watch some youtube videos, or just whatever you like, to treat yourself for being hardworking. It makes you feel good about yourself. :)


So these were my exam favourites for this semester, thanks for reading!

To those having exams currently, good luck and all the best!

Till next time,

The Art of Being Alone. (A different perspective)

"What a lovely surprise to finally discover how not lonely being alone is. " - Ellen Burstyn 

Just the other day, on the phone with my friend, he jokingly asked me, "Am I your favourite company?"

I actually answered, "Yes you are my favorite company, but I think you are still my 2nd favorite company, because the first one is myself. "  I myself was pretty shocked by the answer I just uttered, and yet it spoke my mind, and made me feel an overwhelming sense of self.

The reason my title says "a different perspective" is because when I was in Form 5 (17 years old), I wrote a post titled "The Art of Being Alone" in my old personal blog describing how I could not stand being alone, how uncomfortable I feel with awkward silences and being alone, and how much I wanted to to grasp the art of being alone.

3 and a half years later, here I am writing another post, to share my thoughts on how much I actually enjoy having my alone time. Its fascinating how time and experience can change a person's perspective, help a person to grow and mature, huh? I mean I still feel surprised and in awe of how different my perspective and thoughts about things are from the 17 year old me.

Alright, back to my new found love to enjoy solitude.

Its been awhile already, but recently, this feeling got even stronger, the feeling of really enjoying my timeout from people, and that includes my family or my friends, and embracing my own company. I don't mind going out on personal outings like grocery shopping alone or grabbing lunch.
I especially enjoy doing things alone in the comfort of my own room, such as playing some super chill playlist on Spotify, watch some dramas, and even getting my work done.

I find that a lot of my alone time are super productive. This is cause I can do whatever I want, at my own pace. I am a planner, and I like when things are listed out according to their importance, and specific time allocated for each task, and I get to do things in a specific manner which makes it most productive. I do slack, no doubt, but at least I can be working at my own pace.

 

Another thing I love about being alone, is I actually have deep thoughts. To be honest, I have conversations with myself. I like that a lot cause it makes me think and reflect, and along the way, I kinda understand myself better. Although it sounds like narcissism, I think its really important to have conversations with yourself and enjoy your own company. When I'm alone, I go into all sorts of conversations with myself, from frivolous things like "Should I paint my nails bright or dark this time? "I feel like dark because its classy, but then again I feel like getting into a cheerful mood with some colors.", to deep conversations about my future, what do I want in life and if I am working towards the right path. I know that even when you are with people, you can talk about all this stuff, but sometimes its really nice to be able to have internal debates with yourself, and gain new insights. Its actually pretty fulfilling. :)

One last thing, I like how carefree being alone is. When I used to be afraid to spend time alone, I would have to go through all my contacts, ask if anyone was free to hang out, and had to face disappointment, and actually going out and spending time with people who aren't that great company after all, engaging in awkward conversations, or worse, hanging out with people whom I can't really be comfortable and at ease with. So ever since I embraced solidarity, I stop desperately looking for company just because I need company. Rather, I enjoy spending time just doing whatever I want, playing whatever music I feel like, and not having to worry about being an awkward penguin in awkward situations.

Just like right now, as I am typing out this post, with 1234 by Feist playing behind,  while waiting for my nails to dry. Totally awesome kind of chill time. Ahhhhh. This is real bliss.

I do love the company of people, especially those whom I enjoy spending time with. I am not anti social (at least not completely :p), I still love hanging out with my friends, is just that I find a need to spend some time with myself. If I don't get this timely timeouts (saw the play of words, not?! hehehe), I tend to feel suffocated, and I become a bit distant and distracted from my conversations with other people. So it is sort of like a balance. After some time with friends, I like to rejuvenate with some alone time, then after that, I would be able to fully enjoy the company of those around me.

Why force yourself to be surrounded by people? Another quote I really like is by Jean-Paul Sartre, who said that "If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company." I guess you need to be able to accept yourself fully to be able to enjoy spending time with yourself, and its a really nice feeling to know you are alright being alone in your own company.

So don't be afraid to be alone. Embrace the independence, enjoy the solidarity. <3

Reunion of Tuition Gang.

To reminisce with my old friends, a chance to share some memories, and play our songs again. 

- Ricky Nelson 

I am back in Penang for the Chinese New Year holidays! 

The first night of touchdown in the Pearl of the Orient itself, I met up with the "tuition gang" a.k.a. one of my favorite groups of company. We bonded through BM tuition during Form 5, together with our crazy Cikgu who was the leader of craziness. So much has changed since we crammed into Cikgu's white Myvi every Thursday after school, go out for lunches, rant through our car rides, have tuition together around the long table in Cikgu's house. It gets to me every time. How I miss those moments where we were just kids laughing at stupid things, and complaining about what seems like nothing now.  Some of us have drifted apart, but for the most of us, we seem to still meet up once in awhile, and there were a few outings where there were lil cliques due to our differences in life changes (Form 6 kids VS University kids), but somehow, we always come back together, and I am so grateful for this friendship. 

I compiled these pictures awhile back when I was in Kampar feeling lonely. My favorite picture is still the bottom picture because that was where we bonded and stuck together ever since. Oh and yes, I am the only girl of this gang, and trust me, it was so not intended to be this way. Long Story. (I started to jio people for this tuition class, asked Ming Han of course, he asked Yong Ming, Dennis and Derrick, and they asked the others blah blah blah, and it ended up with me being the only girl. )

So this was on Monday night. And that is Cikgu (second from right) and her sister. 

That night as we talked in a circle after Cikgu left, I felt how comfortable it all was. Because now that everyone has entered Uni, there seems to be so much change in the way we talk and think. Somehow everyone matured and have grown up. Our topics and thoughts were more in depth, and we were once again in the same wavelength. It was so different like how we were back in school, but somehow still feels the same. And sometimes in between our deep conversations, there comes a stupid childish joke from one of us, and we are throwing back our heads in laughter just like old times. :') We are not the kind of friends who talk often or even hang out often, but we are indeed the kind of group that gets together once in awhile to talk about anything and everything, and reminisce about our memories.

I am not the kind of girl who have lots of friends around me, I don't have different group of friends whom I have to actually plan and schedule outings just to fit all of them in. I never was, never is the popular kid. But when I find good friends, I really, really cherish them. Yes, some of these people are closer to me than others, I share different stories with each of them, but when we come together, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. 

I do not know why I am being sentimental. Probably cause it's first day of CNY and I am stuck at home with no plans and just finished one assignment (yay to that!) and misses the noises we make during tuition as well as our outings. Whatever it is, I am just grateful for this group of people. 

Hope your Chinese New Year too is filled with reunions with not only families, but also old friends. Happy Chinese New Year! 

New Year.

Its the last day of 2014! As cliche as it sounds, but where did the time go?!

Some people think that new years are overrated. You make resolutions which you only keep to for the first week, the first month tops, and you forget about them. You tell yourself its gonna be the best year so far but midway things get messed up. You start the year with a significant someone/friends and by the end of the year you dont even talk anymore. Well, I can't deny that these things do happen, and people around you, things around you will change with time, its inevitable. After all, A LOT can change in 365 days. 

But being a dreamer deep down inside me, I still believe in the beauty of New Year. I think its magical because of the sense of HOPE it brings. No matter how messed up your last year was, you get to give yourself another chance, a new beginning. Imagine if life was not categorized into years, but rather, its a accumulated days until the day you die. Like 5764 days of my life to date. Whoah, there wont be a chance where you get to start over, or start on the first blank page again. And if you mess up, you are mess up. That would be awful.

Despite us being humans with short term memory/determination, despite knowing that things might go the wrong way later, a new year is still a new year. Forget the things you messed up in 2014 and forgive yourself. Free yourself from guilt from the past. Let yourself be surrounded by people that brings out the best in you. Free yourself from negativity. Take a deep breath and get ready to start 2015 fresh. 

Because this is a once a year (literally) opportunity to start afresh and pull through. Dont hold back to making resolutions. Make them and hold on to them for the rest of the year (try again!). 

Wishing you a Happy New Year in advance, and may the sense of hope it comes with do you some good. Goodluck for the next 365 days! Everyday counts! 

XOXO, 

Car Ethics.

This is going to be the first so called "intellectual post". Or more like, my personal thoughts and opinions on certain stuff, instead of just updates about whats going on in my life. As a warning, it might sound offensive or in case anyone thinks I'm talking about them, it is just general so take a chill pill kays. :) Besides, it is my OWN opinion and I am just speaking my mind. :)

I got my car, or more like I inherited my brother's car when he went to the States around August last year. So I have been driving in Kampar for about 8 months so far? Because in Kampar, most people cycle, and having a car means its an extra bonus. And before I owned a car, I always told myself, If I ever had a car in Kampar, I want to always be able to help provide transport or car pool or even just to fetch people when they need it, in my own means and ability of course. 

But ever since I started driving, and owning a car, I realize there are so much ways and patterns people come out with when they "tumpang" (hitch a ride) your car! Before that, I have heard stories from my close friend, Yian Thin who has a car since she went to Kampar, about people treating her like a "driver" (without any pay of course) and taking for granted her good will of fetching them. 

And after I got my car, I had to agree with her, and I realize so much little things  matter to you from a person who sits in your car. 

I would like to share some unwritten rules I think people should follow when you "tumpang" people's car. I like to call it "car ethics". It has also been an eye opener for me and I promise to try to be aware of it and not make the same mistakes when I am in another person's car.

Car Ethics (based on Emi's theory anyway) :

1. Say Thank You. 

Back to basic. I know many people be like, "duhhhhh!" but you will be surprised how often people don't do say thank you. Remember no matter how small the favour is, but people who are willing to take you along in their car, deserves just the simplest form of gratitude. Don't take things for granted. It is not your friend's obligation to pick you up just because your house is on the way. Even if you pay someone to fetch you, it is still an effor/form of help. Just freaking say "Thank You". It ain't that hard.

2. Greet/Say hello to the driver/car owner.

Come on..... It is such a simple request. When you get into someone's car, greet the driver. Don't just step into the car silently, and step out silently. Even if you do not know the driver well, at least smile or nod, to acknowledge the existence of the driver. The car does not move on it's own and reach your destination automatically. You not acknowledging the driver is just plain rude.

3. Inform the driver if you need them to fetch your friend/relative/boyfriend/girlfriend or any extra persons.

If you need the driver to fetch someone else as well, let them know beforehand. This is manners and it is also important because the driver might be fetching other people as well. Asking right before you go into their car is a last resort, but never, never ever have someone else conveniently hop into the car without informing.  Even if the other person is a friend of the driver. Because the driver is expecting you alone to hop into their car, not you and your boyfriend's mum's aunty's dog's owner's husband's sister as well.

4. Don't "tumpang" a person's car if you don't like the person ( UNLESS IN EMERGENCY SITUATIONS).

If you dislike the car owner/driver, just don't tumpang their car. Don't be such a two faced plastic. It's fake, and everyone knows you are just being a hypocrite for the sake of your own convenience. It is ALWAYS hard for the driver to outright reject any requests for fetching people, so if you know they don't like you or vice versa, just don't ask and make things awkward. Ask someone else. Or if you really have no choice, find other form of transportation. Unless there is an emergency situation where you got no choice and you urgently need transport. I repeat, this does not include emergency situations!

5. Don't kutuk (criticize) the car or the driver's driving skills.

NEVER do this. Unless you are like super close with the driver. Even so, do it in a nice way. Nobody likes to be criticized by someone they are doing a favor for. If the car is too old/too hot/too crammed for you, don't get on. Nobody needs to hear your complains about their car. The driving skills of the driver is known by the driver themselves. Yes, you can remind them, "Car beside!" , "Careful!", etc. But don't kutuk in a mean way. Your sarcasm about people's driving skills are kept inside your own mind. The driver does not have to hear it. It adds stress and tension to the driver, and you hurt their feelings. 

These are a few basic car ethics I think people should try to follow. I know I sound so "high and mighty" just because I have a car, but that is not what I am trying to imply. Understand that those that drive you around are just doing you a little favor. Don't take people's help for granted. Including the closest people around you.And trust me, a little "thank you" from you means a lot to the person who fetch you. :)

P/S This is the first real post and I am still not very good at the "illustrations" yet. But I thought just a whole post of words are gonna bore people out. :p