#Talkative Thoughts - The shy side of emotions.

#TalkativeThoughts : A segment where I write and write and write about my thoughts running through my mind, sometimes a little disorganized (perhaps most of the time). The chitter chatter of my thoughts expressed through the tapping of my keyboard. In short, a wordy post.  

I wrote this random piece of work while I was waiting for my friend during my recent trip to KL. Just sharing my random talkative thoughts as usual. 

When you are in "the moment", right when everything is happening so vividly around you, you will naturally feel the emotions of it all. Whether it is the hyper, light-heated feeling when you are hanging out with your best pals; or the very painful, heartbreaking feeling when you see someone you love walking away from you. Those are the feelings that often hit you the hardest. They are the very attention-seeking feelings, demanding to be attended, yelling to be felt by you.

But there is also another kind of feelings. If the previous kind of feelings is a crash of waves, this kind is the slight ripple in the still waters. These are the feelings you feel after all the noise and drama is all over, after a long day, and you reach home physically tired, sort of drunk in tiredness, and your mind is blurry. This is the time you feel the emotions submerged under your exhausted body. It is often subtle, barely there, the very introverted side of emotions.

There are days when you lie in bed after a shower, right before falling asleep, and you feel very contented and grateful for the day to be over, no matter how good or bad it went. There may be days when you feel empty, as if the fun and chatter of your hangouts with friends that day is merely a blurry image, and you feel disconnected from that whole hype, and you feel rather alone.

These quiet emotions always remind me of what I really, truly feel inside. Not just at the specific moment, but it gives a more general picture of how I am feeling. However, no matter good or bad, happy or sad, most importantly, it always tells me that it is time to rest my body and mind, and a new day awaits. And this is the thought that makes it all alright again. 

 

Hope you are having a good Sunday to end the week. :) 

#TalkativeThoughts - Ghost from the past.

#TalkativeThoughts : A segment where I write and write and write about my thoughts running through my mind, sometimes a little disorganized (perhaps most of the time). The chitter chatter of my thoughts expressed through the tapping of my keyboard. In short, a wordy post.  

There has always been a debate while trying to understand the human mind, that is, if the past actually shapes a person's personality and attitudes, or it changes over time, and can be rectified after a person matures.

Well, as much as I hate sounding like those forever "on-the-fence" people, I have always believe that the past indeed plays a part in shaping us into the way we are now, but then again, I do not believe that the past actually defines us. Maybe because I think generally I am a hopeful person (I have my morbid moments but right now, I have pulled myself out of the pit and start to become the optimistic person again), and I do not like the idea that the things from before sets us into this unchangeable being. I prefer the more hopeful approach, in which despite the past shaping us, as long as we are aware, and is determine to work on ourselves, we are able to counter the effects and build ourselves to become better individuals.

Speaking about the past, I may not have went through major tragic or dramatic issues that has caused me to be broken, but I dare say I have had my fair share of accumulated problems that caused me to become a certain way. I believe that no matter how small a problem may seem to a third person, only the person in that situation will know how it affects themselves so much. Because after all, how an issue is, and how much it affects someone is based on individual perception and all that. Okay, okay I am starting to get off track.

Back to my point. There has been a lot of happenings in my past that I do not enjoy going back to, or stupid decisions I made that got me into a cycle of self-destruction and self-doubt. I have never been one of those cool kids, not in primary school, not in high school. I often question myself, if there was anything wrong with myself, and why am I often the outsider. I have serious self confidence issues, never believing that anyone would like me, as a friend or even as a person. I do struggle up till now, to stop overthinking things, worrying that my friends getting bored or tired of me, or people freaked out by me once they get to know me better. I keep thinking if so many people left in my past experience, what's going to stop the people around me now to leave as well?

However, recently, I decided to let all that go. To let bad experiences from before to stop eating me up, to slowly accept myself for the way I am. This means continue improving myself for the better, but not beating myself up for the past. This means to make peace with the past and move on. 

The other day, my close pal asked me, "if you were ever given a chance, to go back in time, what part of the past will you change?" I thought about it, and I strongly believe my answer would be "nothing". I mean, I could, change the fact that I was easily jealous causing people to think I am a freak and decided to distance themselves from me, I could change the fact that I chose to quit the drama competition on the last year of my high school to be closer to the juniors, etc etc. But at the end of the day, if I were to change any of that, I would not be the person I will be today, and it might not even give me the lessons I have learned so far. I might still never learn how to be a better person, or even to gain insights on how certain matters are so small and petty that there are much bigger things to be happy and grateful about.

Sometimes in order to move on and let the past go, it involves letting go of all petty issues, forgiving the people around you, and most importantly, forgiving yourself. After all, is it even worth it to stop talking to a friend because of something you argued about 2 years ago, while missing out on the fun conversations you could have shared? It's true, there are people who you need to let go of in order to remove the toxicity and negativity, but even if you choose to distance yourself from them, learn to forgive and forget. After all, distancing yourself physically from them might not stop the angry thoughts you still have about that person bugging you each day. So the best way to let that all go, is learning to forgive and move on. Trust me, it's going to be a weight lifted off your shoulders. :) 

This year has been crazy so far for me. I have made lots of crazy decisions, but I am finally starting to be that happy, positive person I always wanted to be. Not going to lie, I do have days where I lie in bed obsessively scrolling all my social networks because I feel really bored and a lil empty, but I am trying, trying really hard to do things that makes me happy.

I may still feel insecure about a lot of stuff, but I am going to learn to be my own mentor, and help myself differentiate whats real and whats just the evil voice in my head telling me I am not good enough. I may still feel inadequate, but I am going to try harder to improve myself for the better. I may still go back to the cycle of being really upset or depressed when some small issue comes and mess me up, (after all, deep inside, I am still the girl who intensifies all emotions, both good and bad) but right now, I am building my foundation of positivity, letting go of all the ghost from the past, and starting out again with a new soul. 

 
I really, really hope you do too, and I hope you feel the relieve and freedom after deciding to cut the strings attached to your own ghost from the past.


XOXO, 

City Lights.

 

I still remember on the first month of being in KL for my internship, I told myself, "this place is just NOT for me. "

Who knew, by the last week of the 3-month period, I was so reluctant to leave this beautiful city. This city, with all it's majestic buildings that makes you stare at them in awe, and realize how small and irrelevant all your problems are.

Dear Kuala Lumpur, I guess, I left a lil piece of my heart with you. Thank you for the memories.

With Love,