2015 - Growth.

Well it is once again the start of a new year! Yes, yes, I understand how cliche it is to go all "sentimental about the previous year and hopeful about the new year", but I am still going to dive into a summary of my 2015. Because I am mainstream like that :p

I may be a lil late for this post, but I just came back from a year end Langkawi trip with two of my schoolmates who are really close to me. But then again, being 5 days late on a year end post is not as bad as neglecting my blog again for about a whole semester. But right now I am going to try to make it up by explaining why I chose to hide away in my own personal world.

The recent semester was one of the toughest semester I had ever experienced so far. I was so busy and stressed out academically, with having to complete the first 3 chapters of my Final Year Project (FYP) in a short semester, and everything else around me was crumbling down on me. SO much had happened in this semester, making my 2015 one of the toughest year I had to go through as well.

I guess 2015 is the year that I experienced the highest highs and at the same time the lowest lows. It is the most intense year with so much happening around me. I think it kinda fits the whole "becoming adult" year since I turned 21 this year too. So the best word to summarize 2015 is GROWTH. This year has made me grow up so much, some in a very pleasant way, like during my internship in KL, and some in a much more painful/forced way, especially losing many people whom I used to trust with all my heart.

Growing up is a funny thing.. The only way you really, REALLY grow up is when you are forced to, because of circumstances. This year has really forced me to grow up.. living in a foreign place with sucky housemates and not many friends for 3 months, being forced to adapt to working life, heartbreaks, loss etc etc. It has been a really intense year. But I am indeed grateful for this year for allowing me to grow so much.. I have learned to be independent, to toughen up and do things for myself and no one else. To take care and protect myself, and learn to be my own hero.

Trust me, it is much more easier said than done. When I say that it has been a rough semester, I really mean it. There are days when I just have a meltdown for the most silly reasons because I have had a really rough week. I remember there was once I started sobbing uncontrollably in my car when I lost my way while finding my way to TM Point to settle my internet problem. There are days when I am supposed to be studying for my midterm but I end up mindlessly scrolling social media or crawling to bed every 5 minutes to take a 20 minutes nap because I was feeling so numb.

However, I really tried my very best to toughen up. I decorated my bedroom to my best ability to make myself feel belonged to at least my own room. I cleaned my room and make sure it is always in top notch condition to feel in control. I woke up early and made coffee and planned out my day to help me stay focus. I started a pretty consistent workout plan to get into better shape to feel good about myself. I cooked meals for myself. I really worked hard for myself. And I am indeed grateful. Despite so many things happening around me, I learned so much. I learned that it is okay if many people leave, because at the end of the day, you still have yourself. You have to be there for yourself. You are your own constant person.

I am also super grateful for the friends that stayed by me. When I was down in the dump, they were willing to hear me out, had to deal with me being a sappy emotionally needy person, drove all the way down to see me, and did not walk away when I was not in the best version of myself. Thank you guys. I learned that friends who love you and care for you, will really stick by you no matter what.

Oh and not to mention, this year has taught me to be much more grateful. When I was feeling crappy, I will stop and try to think of all the things I am grateful for, and this really helped me through tough times. Whether it was a good day or a bad day, before I sleep, I will try to find the things I am grateful for that day and thanked God for it.

2015 is really a year of growth for me. Being 21 has taught me so much. I learn that when it comes to work and studies, passion and dreams, as long as you do it with all your heart, with great effort, it will definitely pay off. I learned that nothing beats a great sense of accomplishment so I am willing to work hard to achieve that. I also learn that you have to be your own "person", your own best friend. Because despite it sounding a little morbid and unlike me, but one of my realist friend once told me, "You can never trust anyone 100%. It is too risky. Trust them, but only to the maximum of 99%." I have to agree with that, and learned that I have to trust myself 100%, and to stick up for myself, because no one else will.





It has been a freaking good year of growing up for me. Despite everything, I am so thankful for everything that has happened to me in this year as it has really made me grow.

It is now time to take a deep breath, and brace myself for 2016. I hope to bring together the lessons I learned in 2015, and strengthen them, and be ready to kick ass in this new year, no matter what challenges it brings. I am ready. :)

Confessions - Intense.

As the namesake of my blog, I would love to share some confessions with this little space I own on the world wide web, just because.

I have always been one of those people, who can be very extreme, especially when it comes to emotionally-driven things. Besides the mature, logical, rational thoughts I try to keep on track, what the heart decides is always on either side of the spectrum (Thankfully, it is usually the good things I feel much more intense about).

My mind, can often think of things in the grey area, seeing things in their many layers and trying to understand them from different perspectives. But there are certain things, that my mind does not have the ability to have a say (a thought? I mean, how can the mind have a "say" when it can't talk? anyway, you get me ) in. There comes certain things, certain time where my whole perspective is clouded, and decides to love or hate certain things "just because". The closest way I can explain this is, it's something like when you like a color, and people ask you why, and you are like, "no reason. I just like it."

I guess everyone has this special compartment in their lives where their emotions get way ahead of the rational mind. I have them too, and mine is pretty much intense.

I am that kind of person, where I may come off too strong, when it comes to all these "touchy feely" stuff. I have never been good at keeping overwhelming feelings and emotions to myself. It's a blessing and a curse at the same time, really. I find it very difficult to keep these overflowing intense emotions to myself, and feel a need to let someone know. Whether is talking about a great book I just read, or telling a friend how much I am thankful to have them around.


I often get annoyed at myself, because sometimes, this whole intense thing, makes me overthink way too much for my own good. Late nights in bed with the lights off, a bit too much of caffeine, a very slight amount of alcohol, and my intensity for all these emotions doubles up. It's bad enough that it's intense, it gets worse when there comes those catalysts.

I keep telling myself, to stop being so intense, because this intensity scares most people away. Sometimes when I go on and on and on and on about something I am intrigued about, people look at me as if I am out of my mind. Sometimes when I overthink stuff, I send random lengthy texts to the people around me, and when I say lengthy, I really mean lengthy, and usually always it is followed by a "Oh shit what have I done?" from my end, and a reply somewhere along the lines of  "OMG WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!".

So sometimes I try my best, with all my might to change that about me. To learn to shut up when I am overwhelmed. Sometimes I have to turn to writing it all out in order to keep myself sane. But then again, is it really bad to be intense? Yeah sure, it's much better to learn to keep things in an equilibrium, to be a little bit more balanced when it comes to emotions, especially negative ones.

But what about the good ones? If I miss a friend, even if we haven't talk since a long time because we fought, does it mean I can't randomly start a conversation with them? If I think someone is really attractive, just because it is weird and creepy according to society's stupid norms, does it mean I can't let them know? If I like you, do I have to pretend I don't really like you just so I can appear to be more "valuable"? Just because I like you too, does it mean I worth a lil less? I guess not.

Perhaps there are many people who might not be used to this kind of intensity, but then again, that is who I am, and I can't really change that. I like to do random things, crazy things to some, irrational things according to my much more rational friends, just to convey my message.

I would love to be that mysterious girl who seems so complicated that you can't figure out what is going on in her head. But I can't be that person, no matter how hard I try to change. I say things straight. If I don't like something, I say it. I say it because that is what I think (Of course, it is super important to not hurt the people around you by doing so). If I like something, I say it. It may be responded negatively, but then again, I say it sincerely, and I don't say it to get something nice in return, I say it because I feel strongly about it, and thought that the person should know.

Because I am tired of trying to mold myself into something that I am not. I am straight forward, and I like expressing my feelings. I am tired of trying to be the kind of girl society dictates I should be. I do apologize if my intensity scares you, but I guess that is who I am, really and truly. Not saying this will never change over time, but for now, I guess it is time to embrace that little part of who I am.

And to those of you who share the same level of intensity, do not diminish it. Learn to embrace it. Even if many people do not understand it. Because it is utterly beautiful to be able to feel things so intensely.


With much Love,

#Talkative Thoughts - The shy side of emotions.

#TalkativeThoughts : A segment where I write and write and write about my thoughts running through my mind, sometimes a little disorganized (perhaps most of the time). The chitter chatter of my thoughts expressed through the tapping of my keyboard. In short, a wordy post.  

I wrote this random piece of work while I was waiting for my friend during my recent trip to KL. Just sharing my random talkative thoughts as usual. 

When you are in "the moment", right when everything is happening so vividly around you, you will naturally feel the emotions of it all. Whether it is the hyper, light-heated feeling when you are hanging out with your best pals; or the very painful, heartbreaking feeling when you see someone you love walking away from you. Those are the feelings that often hit you the hardest. They are the very attention-seeking feelings, demanding to be attended, yelling to be felt by you.

But there is also another kind of feelings. If the previous kind of feelings is a crash of waves, this kind is the slight ripple in the still waters. These are the feelings you feel after all the noise and drama is all over, after a long day, and you reach home physically tired, sort of drunk in tiredness, and your mind is blurry. This is the time you feel the emotions submerged under your exhausted body. It is often subtle, barely there, the very introverted side of emotions.

There are days when you lie in bed after a shower, right before falling asleep, and you feel very contented and grateful for the day to be over, no matter how good or bad it went. There may be days when you feel empty, as if the fun and chatter of your hangouts with friends that day is merely a blurry image, and you feel disconnected from that whole hype, and you feel rather alone.

These quiet emotions always remind me of what I really, truly feel inside. Not just at the specific moment, but it gives a more general picture of how I am feeling. However, no matter good or bad, happy or sad, most importantly, it always tells me that it is time to rest my body and mind, and a new day awaits. And this is the thought that makes it all alright again. 

 

Hope you are having a good Sunday to end the week. :) 

#TalkativeThoughts - Ghost from the past.

#TalkativeThoughts : A segment where I write and write and write about my thoughts running through my mind, sometimes a little disorganized (perhaps most of the time). The chitter chatter of my thoughts expressed through the tapping of my keyboard. In short, a wordy post.  

There has always been a debate while trying to understand the human mind, that is, if the past actually shapes a person's personality and attitudes, or it changes over time, and can be rectified after a person matures.

Well, as much as I hate sounding like those forever "on-the-fence" people, I have always believe that the past indeed plays a part in shaping us into the way we are now, but then again, I do not believe that the past actually defines us. Maybe because I think generally I am a hopeful person (I have my morbid moments but right now, I have pulled myself out of the pit and start to become the optimistic person again), and I do not like the idea that the things from before sets us into this unchangeable being. I prefer the more hopeful approach, in which despite the past shaping us, as long as we are aware, and is determine to work on ourselves, we are able to counter the effects and build ourselves to become better individuals.

Speaking about the past, I may not have went through major tragic or dramatic issues that has caused me to be broken, but I dare say I have had my fair share of accumulated problems that caused me to become a certain way. I believe that no matter how small a problem may seem to a third person, only the person in that situation will know how it affects themselves so much. Because after all, how an issue is, and how much it affects someone is based on individual perception and all that. Okay, okay I am starting to get off track.

Back to my point. There has been a lot of happenings in my past that I do not enjoy going back to, or stupid decisions I made that got me into a cycle of self-destruction and self-doubt. I have never been one of those cool kids, not in primary school, not in high school. I often question myself, if there was anything wrong with myself, and why am I often the outsider. I have serious self confidence issues, never believing that anyone would like me, as a friend or even as a person. I do struggle up till now, to stop overthinking things, worrying that my friends getting bored or tired of me, or people freaked out by me once they get to know me better. I keep thinking if so many people left in my past experience, what's going to stop the people around me now to leave as well?

However, recently, I decided to let all that go. To let bad experiences from before to stop eating me up, to slowly accept myself for the way I am. This means continue improving myself for the better, but not beating myself up for the past. This means to make peace with the past and move on. 

The other day, my close pal asked me, "if you were ever given a chance, to go back in time, what part of the past will you change?" I thought about it, and I strongly believe my answer would be "nothing". I mean, I could, change the fact that I was easily jealous causing people to think I am a freak and decided to distance themselves from me, I could change the fact that I chose to quit the drama competition on the last year of my high school to be closer to the juniors, etc etc. But at the end of the day, if I were to change any of that, I would not be the person I will be today, and it might not even give me the lessons I have learned so far. I might still never learn how to be a better person, or even to gain insights on how certain matters are so small and petty that there are much bigger things to be happy and grateful about.

Sometimes in order to move on and let the past go, it involves letting go of all petty issues, forgiving the people around you, and most importantly, forgiving yourself. After all, is it even worth it to stop talking to a friend because of something you argued about 2 years ago, while missing out on the fun conversations you could have shared? It's true, there are people who you need to let go of in order to remove the toxicity and negativity, but even if you choose to distance yourself from them, learn to forgive and forget. After all, distancing yourself physically from them might not stop the angry thoughts you still have about that person bugging you each day. So the best way to let that all go, is learning to forgive and move on. Trust me, it's going to be a weight lifted off your shoulders. :) 

This year has been crazy so far for me. I have made lots of crazy decisions, but I am finally starting to be that happy, positive person I always wanted to be. Not going to lie, I do have days where I lie in bed obsessively scrolling all my social networks because I feel really bored and a lil empty, but I am trying, trying really hard to do things that makes me happy.

I may still feel insecure about a lot of stuff, but I am going to learn to be my own mentor, and help myself differentiate whats real and whats just the evil voice in my head telling me I am not good enough. I may still feel inadequate, but I am going to try harder to improve myself for the better. I may still go back to the cycle of being really upset or depressed when some small issue comes and mess me up, (after all, deep inside, I am still the girl who intensifies all emotions, both good and bad) but right now, I am building my foundation of positivity, letting go of all the ghost from the past, and starting out again with a new soul. 

 
I really, really hope you do too, and I hope you feel the relieve and freedom after deciding to cut the strings attached to your own ghost from the past.


XOXO, 

City Lights.

 

I still remember on the first month of being in KL for my internship, I told myself, "this place is just NOT for me. "

Who knew, by the last week of the 3-month period, I was so reluctant to leave this beautiful city. This city, with all it's majestic buildings that makes you stare at them in awe, and realize how small and irrelevant all your problems are.

Dear Kuala Lumpur, I guess, I left a lil piece of my heart with you. Thank you for the memories.

With Love,

#TalkativeThoughts - "You just know".

#TalkativeThoughts : A segment where I write and write and write about my thoughts running through my mind, sometimes a little disorganized (perhaps most of the time). The chitter chatter of my thoughts expressed through the tapping of my keyboard. In short, a wordy post.  



Have you ever felt trapped in a situation? Be it doing a job you really dread, in a relationship where you seem to be anxious and worried, instead of head over heels happy, a friendship where you are the only one putting in effort to stay in touch, or being in a place you feel like you don't belong?

I have. Loads of time.

Sometimes it's difficult to express these thoughts, because what other people see is how good your pay is, how perfect your relationship seems, and how you are just being negative or sensitive, and making a big deal out of things.

But somehow, you know something is not right, deep down in your guts, you just know.

"You just know". 

This phrase seems so abstract, I mean, how do you even know?! "Well, you just know" seems to be the best explanation. But I am not saying that it's not scary, when you just know, and yet you cannot seem to find a reason or explanation for this feeling, but just a plain six sense in you knowing it. But then comes your very logical and rational mind asking yourself, are you sure? are you being impulsive? are you overthinking things?

It's not easy to walk away from something that seems to be good, or at least not thaaat bad, just because "you just know". It's weird, it's uncertain, it's a crazy decision.

But then again, that dreadful feeling of waking up to that job, that heart wrenching moment when you get into yet another fight about the same thing, that uncomfortable feeling of being in a certain place... Is that all worth it? Just because it is something you can live with, does it mean it is something you should continue living with?

How do you even know a decision you are about to make is correct? What if it leaves you feeling worse, leave you with nothing, regretting a decision you made based on a simple gut feeling? Then what?

Sometimes, I sure wish life came with a manual, telling you what are the correct steps, study hard in psychology, be a counselor, marry that guy you met at the library named Ted, then add in the flour and eggs, then beat it until it is fluffy, put it into the oven till it turns golden brown or something like that.

But no, it does not. But then again, despite the uncertainties, isn't it a great feeling, to make a few wrong turns in life, and yet, find yourself along the way, find happiness and realize where you are is where you really want to be, all on your own?

If you ever feel trapped, suffocated, with someone, with a place, with something, even with yourself, do not be afraid to trust the little voice in your head, and make the change you deserve. So what if it was a wrong move? If you weren't happy where you were in the first place, that place probably was not meant to be for you.

If it turns out to be a mistake, you need to make it to know it's a mistake.

Quoting my favorite sitcom of all times :

Ted: No, it's not an adventure, it's a mistake!
Lily: OK, yes it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake, but there are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it's a mistake is to make the mistake and look back and say 'yep, that was a mistake.' So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake, because then you'd go your whole life not knowing if something is a mistake or not.

Because don't settle for something less than you deserve, and sometimes, you just got to have faith and believe yourself when "You Just Know".

Once again, so much love for you guys who took the time to read my talkative thoughts.

Till next time,

#TalkativeThoughts - Being 21.

It's been a while, about two months since I last blogged. It's not like I lost interest or I have forgotten about this very special place where I put my thoughts into words. To be honest, the main reason why I kept procrastinating was because I felt like my last few posts, totally changed the standard of my blog because of the pictures that I went through so much effort to capture and edit. So I was actually afraid to blog because I know I don't have much photos, and I know how a post with only words can seem pretty boring or even intimidating.

But I have missed writing, I have missed writing out what have been consuming my thoughts, and expressing it via writing. Besides, as much as I love experimenting taking artsy photos and editing them to make them blog worthy, or even just a slightest bit of looking professional, I find it difficult to do that now as I am doing my internship, where I dedicate more than half of my time to work, and most of the other time I have left is spent at home recovering from the tiredness from work. However, I really, really, really still want to keep writing, and not abandoning this little space I occupy on the world wide web to express myself. So, I decided to continue writing posts, even if I have no pictures to accompany my words.

Because I have an OCD need to compartmentalize stuff, I decided to actually separate this sort of long, wordy posts without much photos to a new segment, which I decided to name, Talkative Thoughts.

#TalkativeThoughts : A segment where I write and write and write about my thoughts running through my mind, sometimes a little disorganized (perhaps most of the time). The chitter chatter of my thoughts expressed through the tapping of my keyboard. In short, a wordy post.



Alright, I shall hop in straight to my first #TalkativeThought post, which as the title says, is about being 21.



Everyone knows that turning 21 is a big deal. Well, it is the norm to make it a big deal since you are officially an adult now. Well, I have always imagined like how it would actually feel, to be able to be an adult, to be able to be responsible of yourself, and the decisions you make. Oh, and on a more pretentious level, I always thought that my 21st birthday would be one of the best birthdays of my life, partying hard, with lots of people celebrating it with me; because after all, that is what all the chick flicks I watched have proven it to be.

Well, its almost after a month of being 21, and no, I did not have a crazy birthday bash, nothing even near to be precise, but I guess being 21 at this time, it coincides with a pretty significant step of my life.

During this period, I have courageously chose to do my internship all the way in the big city, Kuala Lumpur because of a company I have always looked up to. It's not even like it is because it's a great psychology/counselling centre, it is because it is actually related to another one of my great interests, FASHION. It has been a prestigious company I have always been interested to work in, but have always brush the thought off due to my own initial plans of becoming a counselor or a psychologists of some sort. So choosing this company was a great shock to my parents, whom kept questioning me, "Why suddenly? what happened to your dream of doing counseling/clinical psychology?" and "If you want to work in a corporate industry, why do you have to go all the way to KL?" or even questions from my brother like, "Are you sure you want to do this? It might be irrelevant in your resume in the future!"

But at the end, after so many debates I had with my family, and mostly myself (only my close friends know how much internal struggle I went through to decide and convinced my family), I decided this is where I want to do my internship. I was lucky enough to have one of my close friend/course mate who decided to do her internship in this company as well. So here we are, all the way from penang, doing our internship in a company that is not really related to our course, sharing a room in a house with a few mean and selfish housemates, living the budget of life of cooking super duper simple meals and even bringing it to work most days.

Getting back on track, on my 21st birthday, I was working, doing a job which I actually kinda enjoy and love. Besides, how can I not feel loved when my immediate boss, who is the manager, came over to gave me a hug and wished me happy birthday in the morning, and invited me for lunch with her and the other bosses. Oh and the best part of this birthday? Getting compliments on the work I did, which I put in a lot of effort in. That was the best feeling ever. It made me realize, that was a great stamp to start my "adult life", putting in my hard work into a job that I enjoy, and actually being acknowledged for it. After work, I did have a good meal of awesome Japanese food, together with my roommate, who was so sick with flu, but still insisted to teman me for a good dinner. On an irrelevant note, I was also down with flu on the day right after my birthday. But after two days, which was a Sunday, I managed to crawl out of my bed and continued my work at home. Which once again, reminds me that being an adult means being responsible.

All in all, being 21 perhaps is not really about partying hard and doing things like drinking legally, but it's actually knowing what matters to you most. It is about realizing what you want to do with your life, if you are working towards the right path, if you are working hard enough to realize your own passions and dreams.

And that is all I want right now. To learn to be better, to work really hard towards my passion and dreams, to know my priorities, to know who and what really matters most, and to always keep them in sight. And most importantly, to always be thankful for all that I have.

It is no walk in the park doing this internship, with adapting to the working routine, the very small space I have in my room, away from my parents, away from most of my friends whom I can always run to, away from my comfort zone....But as the saying goes....

photo credits to one of my current obsessions on instagram : @whitefortype (Natasha) who does amazing brush writing. Go check her out!

Being 21 is a time to explore, to find places you want to go, places you belong, to find your own passions and dreams, to find, ultimately, yourself. :)

With much love for all of those who bothered to read through such a wordy post,