The beauty of dark days.

Hey you beautiful people out there!

I have been away from this little space for quite awhile again. But this time, it is for a good cause. Well, for  my own good anyway. Because guess what, I have been busy, very busy, enjoying every moment of my life right now.

It's crazy, how sometimes when you are stuck in a series of unfortunate events (the love for Lemony Snickets subtlety included here, High 5 if you know the books), you tend to feel like you will never ever be able to come out of that place. Or perhaps, you keep wondering when does all of that go away and you can feel even "normal" again.

But the most beautiful thing of bad days? No matter how much time it takes, how many conversations with your best friends, how many emo poems, how many depressed songs, how many sessions of staring into space......................................................................................................................................................



IT WILL PASS.


And that feeling when everything is better, well I guess it is worth all the negative feelings you have to endure to get there. 

It feels like after a very bad nose block, and countless days of breathing through your mouth, you suddenly realize your nose is clear again.

It feels like after a power cut off, sitting in the crazy heat, sweating like a pig and being bitten by mosquitoes all over, and the lights and fan come back to life again.

It feels like after continuous sleep deprived nights of rushing an assignment, and the moment you pass it to your lecturer and you know a good sleep is waiting for you.

It feels like going underwater for a whole 3 minutes holding your breath, with a throbbing chest threatening to explode, and you finally come up for air.

And with that, you start to feel alright again.

Sure, there are no completely sunny days. The sun has to set each day anyway. But that's the beauty of it all. Because after the dark, haunting night passes, what comes next is another beautiful sunrise.And it is a new day full of new chances to do it all over again. This is one of the reasons God gave us a limited 24 hours a day I guess? So we can start over, time after time.

And life is always going to be like that. With it highest highs, lowest lows, and everything else in between.




But think about it, how blessed are we, to be able to embark on our own stormy, rocky adventures, and proudly look back at how far we have each come.


If you are in the midst of dark days, I know telling you time will make everything better is not going to help, but I am telling you,  it is okay to feel helpless, it is okay to crawl into bed under your covers and wishing you can just sleep your days away.. But loves, hang in there just a lil bit more, you are in the progress of building a warrior inside of you.

If you are in the midst of your good days, stop fearing how things are too perfect, stop worrying what happens when you lose it all.. But rather, enjoy every moment of it, take it all in, and most importantly, acknowledge that this is all you, your own battles fought and won, and you deserve every second of it.

Love always from the bottom of my heart,

Tips on how to get your college/university days on track.

I am going to admit it. I have always been a fan of chick flicks. The problem with chick flicks are, (other than the fact that they are way too girly and frivolous for our own good) they often paint a picture of a very happening college life. Parties, crazy drinking nights, road trips, hooking up with the hottest senior etc etc.

But when I entered university, I realized that that was not the case. Sure, there are the cool kids out there who live by YOLO and go all out when it comes to hardcore partying. But if you plan to take this transition as a training ground to get your sh*t together and prepare yourself for the real world, there are a few things you need to get kick started on. 

1. Plan your schedule, and stick to it.

  

Stop telling yourself "I've got it" and end up slacking and watching yet another episode of 2 Broke Girls when you have an assignment due the next day. Physically writing down your To-Do list can make a lot of difference in your life. You can plan out your entire week on Sunday nights, or plan daily work tasks first thing in the morning, whichever works for you. As long as you actually do it. Write out your goals of the week/day and the things you need to get done. Prioritize your tasks based on deadlines and importance. Writing it down makes you stay focused, and the sense of accomplishment when you cross them all out at the end of the day, totally rewarding. 
 
 

2. Keep your "room game" strong. 

If you are studying away from home, you will have to move to a new place. Be it a tiny dorm room, or a large rented apartment, make it your own personal space. Organize your things to fit your needs, decorate it in any way you like, personalize it with your posters and artwork. Do it your way, and let your style shine through.  Keep it tidy and comfy. Be it a place to chill or cramming for your crazy deadlines, your room is going to be your own hideaway. Having a cozy room to come home to after a stressful day of classes can be really therapeutic.

3. Keep track of your finances. 

Yes, being more grown up also mean boring responsibilities like your finances. Take note on where your spending are going, and analyze them at the end of the month. Perhaps it gives you an idea that you should stop impulse online shopping on clothes that don't really fit, and spend it on healthy meals. Try saving up for something that can be used for long term purposes, like a good textbook, a gym membership or even an Ipad mini (Promise yourself it is for reading journals and not for scrolling through social networks).  

4. TRY to have a healthier lifestyle.

Trust me, we have all been there, when all you want to do at the end of the day is stuff your face with a large bag of chips, slumped in bed watching sitcoms. One of the thing we often neglect during college, is our own health. Sleeping late at night to rush through assignments, waking up at noon on weekends, eating at weird times, and not to forget processed food straight out from the can. Try, at least try, to incorporate a healthy lifestyle. Wake up before 10am, cook REAL food and not instant noodles, get your daily dose of workout, and replace sodas with H2O. Your body will thank you. Besides, having a fit and toned body is definitely a bonus. 

 

My own version of Bibimbap! 

Ham sandwich is always an easy choice

5. Don't slack on your appearance. 

I know, I know. This sounds pretentious and unimportant. People always say, your inner beauty is more important than your external one. Screw that. Why not have both instead? Your physical appearance gives a pretty (literally) important impression. Sure, there are days when you just want to get comfortable in sweat pants and hoodies, but take some days to dress up in something that makes you look and feel good. Seriously girls, don't be afraid to put on some eyeliner and red lipstick to take on the world. 

6. Learn new skills. 

Whether it is learning how to cook, preparing your own meals, or learning a foreign language you have always been interested in, DO IT! Do not wait till you start working and being a slave to all sorts of bills, take this time to learn new things you always wanted to. No matter how "useless" it may seem to others, keep in mind that having an extra skill or knowledge is always good. Do not be afraid to try new things, you have nothing to lose after all. 

Did simple floral arrangement for mass

7. Focus on yourself. 

It's about time you invested your time and energy on yourself. Learn to be independent, take control of your own life. Don't live your life based on the manual of society's norm or even according to anybody else. Enjoy your own company and be your own best friend. Learn what you like and what you dislike, what you are good at, and take time to understand yourself better. This is the time you learn more about yourself, and work towards your own set of passions and goals. Trust your own gut, and create your own empire.

8. Filter out your real friends. 

Sure, this is the time where you get to meet loads of new people, and you will have a great opportunity mingling with interesting individuals. However, learn to set boundaries and distant yourself from "friends" that constantly bring you down, or constantly gives off negative vibes. Keep in mind those friends that have stuck by you throughout. Those that are your safety nets, supporting you through thick and thin. Know who they are and keep them close. These are the friends that you will need to keep in your life.

9. Balance is key. 

It is important to learn to be a grown up, while taking measures to get your life together. However, do not forget that despite everything, you are still young. The world is your oyster (as cliche as it sounds). Do not be afraid to live. Take risks, make mistakes, go the extra mile, love with all your heart (even if it means it will get broken a few times), and have the time of your life.  

Love, 

   

2015 - Growth.

Well it is once again the start of a new year! Yes, yes, I understand how cliche it is to go all "sentimental about the previous year and hopeful about the new year", but I am still going to dive into a summary of my 2015. Because I am mainstream like that :p

I may be a lil late for this post, but I just came back from a year end Langkawi trip with two of my schoolmates who are really close to me. But then again, being 5 days late on a year end post is not as bad as neglecting my blog again for about a whole semester. But right now I am going to try to make it up by explaining why I chose to hide away in my own personal world.

The recent semester was one of the toughest semester I had ever experienced so far. I was so busy and stressed out academically, with having to complete the first 3 chapters of my Final Year Project (FYP) in a short semester, and everything else around me was crumbling down on me. SO much had happened in this semester, making my 2015 one of the toughest year I had to go through as well.

I guess 2015 is the year that I experienced the highest highs and at the same time the lowest lows. It is the most intense year with so much happening around me. I think it kinda fits the whole "becoming adult" year since I turned 21 this year too. So the best word to summarize 2015 is GROWTH. This year has made me grow up so much, some in a very pleasant way, like during my internship in KL, and some in a much more painful/forced way, especially losing many people whom I used to trust with all my heart.

Growing up is a funny thing.. The only way you really, REALLY grow up is when you are forced to, because of circumstances. This year has really forced me to grow up.. living in a foreign place with sucky housemates and not many friends for 3 months, being forced to adapt to working life, heartbreaks, loss etc etc. It has been a really intense year. But I am indeed grateful for this year for allowing me to grow so much.. I have learned to be independent, to toughen up and do things for myself and no one else. To take care and protect myself, and learn to be my own hero.

Trust me, it is much more easier said than done. When I say that it has been a rough semester, I really mean it. There are days when I just have a meltdown for the most silly reasons because I have had a really rough week. I remember there was once I started sobbing uncontrollably in my car when I lost my way while finding my way to TM Point to settle my internet problem. There are days when I am supposed to be studying for my midterm but I end up mindlessly scrolling social media or crawling to bed every 5 minutes to take a 20 minutes nap because I was feeling so numb.

However, I really tried my very best to toughen up. I decorated my bedroom to my best ability to make myself feel belonged to at least my own room. I cleaned my room and make sure it is always in top notch condition to feel in control. I woke up early and made coffee and planned out my day to help me stay focus. I started a pretty consistent workout plan to get into better shape to feel good about myself. I cooked meals for myself. I really worked hard for myself. And I am indeed grateful. Despite so many things happening around me, I learned so much. I learned that it is okay if many people leave, because at the end of the day, you still have yourself. You have to be there for yourself. You are your own constant person.

I am also super grateful for the friends that stayed by me. When I was down in the dump, they were willing to hear me out, had to deal with me being a sappy emotionally needy person, drove all the way down to see me, and did not walk away when I was not in the best version of myself. Thank you guys. I learned that friends who love you and care for you, will really stick by you no matter what.

Oh and not to mention, this year has taught me to be much more grateful. When I was feeling crappy, I will stop and try to think of all the things I am grateful for, and this really helped me through tough times. Whether it was a good day or a bad day, before I sleep, I will try to find the things I am grateful for that day and thanked God for it.

2015 is really a year of growth for me. Being 21 has taught me so much. I learn that when it comes to work and studies, passion and dreams, as long as you do it with all your heart, with great effort, it will definitely pay off. I learned that nothing beats a great sense of accomplishment so I am willing to work hard to achieve that. I also learn that you have to be your own "person", your own best friend. Because despite it sounding a little morbid and unlike me, but one of my realist friend once told me, "You can never trust anyone 100%. It is too risky. Trust them, but only to the maximum of 99%." I have to agree with that, and learned that I have to trust myself 100%, and to stick up for myself, because no one else will.





It has been a freaking good year of growing up for me. Despite everything, I am so thankful for everything that has happened to me in this year as it has really made me grow.

It is now time to take a deep breath, and brace myself for 2016. I hope to bring together the lessons I learned in 2015, and strengthen them, and be ready to kick ass in this new year, no matter what challenges it brings. I am ready. :)

Confessions - Intense.

As the namesake of my blog, I would love to share some confessions with this little space I own on the world wide web, just because.

I have always been one of those people, who can be very extreme, especially when it comes to emotionally-driven things. Besides the mature, logical, rational thoughts I try to keep on track, what the heart decides is always on either side of the spectrum (Thankfully, it is usually the good things I feel much more intense about).

My mind, can often think of things in the grey area, seeing things in their many layers and trying to understand them from different perspectives. But there are certain things, that my mind does not have the ability to have a say (a thought? I mean, how can the mind have a "say" when it can't talk? anyway, you get me ) in. There comes certain things, certain time where my whole perspective is clouded, and decides to love or hate certain things "just because". The closest way I can explain this is, it's something like when you like a color, and people ask you why, and you are like, "no reason. I just like it."

I guess everyone has this special compartment in their lives where their emotions get way ahead of the rational mind. I have them too, and mine is pretty much intense.

I am that kind of person, where I may come off too strong, when it comes to all these "touchy feely" stuff. I have never been good at keeping overwhelming feelings and emotions to myself. It's a blessing and a curse at the same time, really. I find it very difficult to keep these overflowing intense emotions to myself, and feel a need to let someone know. Whether is talking about a great book I just read, or telling a friend how much I am thankful to have them around.


I often get annoyed at myself, because sometimes, this whole intense thing, makes me overthink way too much for my own good. Late nights in bed with the lights off, a bit too much of caffeine, a very slight amount of alcohol, and my intensity for all these emotions doubles up. It's bad enough that it's intense, it gets worse when there comes those catalysts.

I keep telling myself, to stop being so intense, because this intensity scares most people away. Sometimes when I go on and on and on and on about something I am intrigued about, people look at me as if I am out of my mind. Sometimes when I overthink stuff, I send random lengthy texts to the people around me, and when I say lengthy, I really mean lengthy, and usually always it is followed by a "Oh shit what have I done?" from my end, and a reply somewhere along the lines of  "OMG WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!".

So sometimes I try my best, with all my might to change that about me. To learn to shut up when I am overwhelmed. Sometimes I have to turn to writing it all out in order to keep myself sane. But then again, is it really bad to be intense? Yeah sure, it's much better to learn to keep things in an equilibrium, to be a little bit more balanced when it comes to emotions, especially negative ones.

But what about the good ones? If I miss a friend, even if we haven't talk since a long time because we fought, does it mean I can't randomly start a conversation with them? If I think someone is really attractive, just because it is weird and creepy according to society's stupid norms, does it mean I can't let them know? If I like you, do I have to pretend I don't really like you just so I can appear to be more "valuable"? Just because I like you too, does it mean I worth a lil less? I guess not.

Perhaps there are many people who might not be used to this kind of intensity, but then again, that is who I am, and I can't really change that. I like to do random things, crazy things to some, irrational things according to my much more rational friends, just to convey my message.

I would love to be that mysterious girl who seems so complicated that you can't figure out what is going on in her head. But I can't be that person, no matter how hard I try to change. I say things straight. If I don't like something, I say it. I say it because that is what I think (Of course, it is super important to not hurt the people around you by doing so). If I like something, I say it. It may be responded negatively, but then again, I say it sincerely, and I don't say it to get something nice in return, I say it because I feel strongly about it, and thought that the person should know.

Because I am tired of trying to mold myself into something that I am not. I am straight forward, and I like expressing my feelings. I am tired of trying to be the kind of girl society dictates I should be. I do apologize if my intensity scares you, but I guess that is who I am, really and truly. Not saying this will never change over time, but for now, I guess it is time to embrace that little part of who I am.

And to those of you who share the same level of intensity, do not diminish it. Learn to embrace it. Even if many people do not understand it. Because it is utterly beautiful to be able to feel things so intensely.


With much Love,

#Talkative Thoughts - The shy side of emotions.

#TalkativeThoughts : A segment where I write and write and write about my thoughts running through my mind, sometimes a little disorganized (perhaps most of the time). The chitter chatter of my thoughts expressed through the tapping of my keyboard. In short, a wordy post.  

I wrote this random piece of work while I was waiting for my friend during my recent trip to KL. Just sharing my random talkative thoughts as usual. 

When you are in "the moment", right when everything is happening so vividly around you, you will naturally feel the emotions of it all. Whether it is the hyper, light-heated feeling when you are hanging out with your best pals; or the very painful, heartbreaking feeling when you see someone you love walking away from you. Those are the feelings that often hit you the hardest. They are the very attention-seeking feelings, demanding to be attended, yelling to be felt by you.

But there is also another kind of feelings. If the previous kind of feelings is a crash of waves, this kind is the slight ripple in the still waters. These are the feelings you feel after all the noise and drama is all over, after a long day, and you reach home physically tired, sort of drunk in tiredness, and your mind is blurry. This is the time you feel the emotions submerged under your exhausted body. It is often subtle, barely there, the very introverted side of emotions.

There are days when you lie in bed after a shower, right before falling asleep, and you feel very contented and grateful for the day to be over, no matter how good or bad it went. There may be days when you feel empty, as if the fun and chatter of your hangouts with friends that day is merely a blurry image, and you feel disconnected from that whole hype, and you feel rather alone.

These quiet emotions always remind me of what I really, truly feel inside. Not just at the specific moment, but it gives a more general picture of how I am feeling. However, no matter good or bad, happy or sad, most importantly, it always tells me that it is time to rest my body and mind, and a new day awaits. And this is the thought that makes it all alright again. 

 

Hope you are having a good Sunday to end the week. :) 

#TalkativeThoughts - Ghost from the past.

#TalkativeThoughts : A segment where I write and write and write about my thoughts running through my mind, sometimes a little disorganized (perhaps most of the time). The chitter chatter of my thoughts expressed through the tapping of my keyboard. In short, a wordy post.  

There has always been a debate while trying to understand the human mind, that is, if the past actually shapes a person's personality and attitudes, or it changes over time, and can be rectified after a person matures.

Well, as much as I hate sounding like those forever "on-the-fence" people, I have always believe that the past indeed plays a part in shaping us into the way we are now, but then again, I do not believe that the past actually defines us. Maybe because I think generally I am a hopeful person (I have my morbid moments but right now, I have pulled myself out of the pit and start to become the optimistic person again), and I do not like the idea that the things from before sets us into this unchangeable being. I prefer the more hopeful approach, in which despite the past shaping us, as long as we are aware, and is determine to work on ourselves, we are able to counter the effects and build ourselves to become better individuals.

Speaking about the past, I may not have went through major tragic or dramatic issues that has caused me to be broken, but I dare say I have had my fair share of accumulated problems that caused me to become a certain way. I believe that no matter how small a problem may seem to a third person, only the person in that situation will know how it affects themselves so much. Because after all, how an issue is, and how much it affects someone is based on individual perception and all that. Okay, okay I am starting to get off track.

Back to my point. There has been a lot of happenings in my past that I do not enjoy going back to, or stupid decisions I made that got me into a cycle of self-destruction and self-doubt. I have never been one of those cool kids, not in primary school, not in high school. I often question myself, if there was anything wrong with myself, and why am I often the outsider. I have serious self confidence issues, never believing that anyone would like me, as a friend or even as a person. I do struggle up till now, to stop overthinking things, worrying that my friends getting bored or tired of me, or people freaked out by me once they get to know me better. I keep thinking if so many people left in my past experience, what's going to stop the people around me now to leave as well?

However, recently, I decided to let all that go. To let bad experiences from before to stop eating me up, to slowly accept myself for the way I am. This means continue improving myself for the better, but not beating myself up for the past. This means to make peace with the past and move on. 

The other day, my close pal asked me, "if you were ever given a chance, to go back in time, what part of the past will you change?" I thought about it, and I strongly believe my answer would be "nothing". I mean, I could, change the fact that I was easily jealous causing people to think I am a freak and decided to distance themselves from me, I could change the fact that I chose to quit the drama competition on the last year of my high school to be closer to the juniors, etc etc. But at the end of the day, if I were to change any of that, I would not be the person I will be today, and it might not even give me the lessons I have learned so far. I might still never learn how to be a better person, or even to gain insights on how certain matters are so small and petty that there are much bigger things to be happy and grateful about.

Sometimes in order to move on and let the past go, it involves letting go of all petty issues, forgiving the people around you, and most importantly, forgiving yourself. After all, is it even worth it to stop talking to a friend because of something you argued about 2 years ago, while missing out on the fun conversations you could have shared? It's true, there are people who you need to let go of in order to remove the toxicity and negativity, but even if you choose to distance yourself from them, learn to forgive and forget. After all, distancing yourself physically from them might not stop the angry thoughts you still have about that person bugging you each day. So the best way to let that all go, is learning to forgive and move on. Trust me, it's going to be a weight lifted off your shoulders. :) 

This year has been crazy so far for me. I have made lots of crazy decisions, but I am finally starting to be that happy, positive person I always wanted to be. Not going to lie, I do have days where I lie in bed obsessively scrolling all my social networks because I feel really bored and a lil empty, but I am trying, trying really hard to do things that makes me happy.

I may still feel insecure about a lot of stuff, but I am going to learn to be my own mentor, and help myself differentiate whats real and whats just the evil voice in my head telling me I am not good enough. I may still feel inadequate, but I am going to try harder to improve myself for the better. I may still go back to the cycle of being really upset or depressed when some small issue comes and mess me up, (after all, deep inside, I am still the girl who intensifies all emotions, both good and bad) but right now, I am building my foundation of positivity, letting go of all the ghost from the past, and starting out again with a new soul. 

 
I really, really hope you do too, and I hope you feel the relieve and freedom after deciding to cut the strings attached to your own ghost from the past.


XOXO, 

City Lights.

 

I still remember on the first month of being in KL for my internship, I told myself, "this place is just NOT for me. "

Who knew, by the last week of the 3-month period, I was so reluctant to leave this beautiful city. This city, with all it's majestic buildings that makes you stare at them in awe, and realize how small and irrelevant all your problems are.

Dear Kuala Lumpur, I guess, I left a lil piece of my heart with you. Thank you for the memories.

With Love,